Make Peace With Yourself

Make Peace with Yourself

Today, in the intensity of this emotional Super Full Moon in Aquarius with its tense aspects to Saturn, I am feeling deep sadness. Underneath the layers of sadness (global and personal) are deep feelings of disappointment in myself...on all levels of life from the simplest every day task to a more global Aquarian (rising here) perspective of "how am I really contributing to this world"??? Yes, I know, I know. I know all the memes and spiritual platitudes. Most days they uplift me and some days they sound and feel flat, lifeless, and formless to me. I understand that the desire to be somewhere other than where I am is at the root of my core feelings of disappointment and sadness in myself. This is what the super moon is bringing up for me today. So I'm surrendering and allowing those feelings to be what they are, feeling it all, and doing more gentle, self-inquiry with an intention to remember to love myself through it even if it feels fake.

I went searching for some wisdom and comfort outside of my own head and by some sweet grace I found the beautiful picture above and quote below by Wayne Dyer from this blog site: http://lightworkers.org/blog/175415/make-peace-yourself 

Yes, it's more platitudes and nothing "new" yet somehow it still spoke to me, quite profoundly. The last paragraph was particularly poignant for me and brings me back to a place in my heart where I can remember to wrap my own arms around myself and appreciate who I am today and to let that be enough. Even in the depths of times of deep sadness and disappointment I am still able to reflect and say that "I am better than I used to be". How can that not be enough? So I am making that my mantra today for making peace with myself once again. It's not an instant cure; deep feelings need time to come and go. I trust that flow and take it in as a balm for a wounded soul. That is enough for today. For that I'm deeply grateful. 

*~* MAKE PEACE WITH YOURSELF *~*

~ By Dr. Wayne Dyer ~

"You cannot give away what you don't have. If you are not at peace with yourself you cannot give peace away. If you don't give peace away, you will never become an instrument of peace. Make the decision to forgive yourself for all your weaknesses and failures, to let go of your self-destructive guilt over past mistakes and know there was value in your journey through the dark night of your soul.

When you make peace with yourself you take a hard look at everything you have ever done and you remind yourself that you needed all those experiences in order to provide you with the energy to propel yourself to a higher spiritual frequency. Eventually you acknowledge that virtually every spiritual advance is preceded by a disaster of some kind, and that all of the unwanted events of your life were necessary. Why? Because they occurred, and there are no accidents in this intelligent system we call our universe.

If you are better than you used to be that is a reason enough to make peace with yourself. All the self-reproach, guilt, disappointment, self-hatred, and anger that you direct at yourself simply take you away from peace."

I am the rock. I am the water. 
I am the light. I am the dark. 
♥
Deep peace of the running wave to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
Deep peace of the infinite peace to you.
♥

Am I Worthy?

“Am I worthy of doing what brings me joy, pleasure, and a feeling of fulfillment?” This is where the rubber meets the road for me every. single. time.

After I wrote and published my last blog entry on “Embracing Destiny” earlier this past week I watched myself spin into judgment and give my inner critic the best seat in the house. This time it was not so much the usual judgment about the content or even how long it was. I’ve come to appreciate that some of the most successful and respected authors (in my opinion anyway) are very loquacious with thousands or millions of readers. I’m learning it’s really not about that at all even though it seemed that way because I’ve been criticized and felt rejected all my life because of it. The practice of writing this blog, even sporadically, seems to be helping me embrace my own innate loquaciousness without the inner critic being my first “commenter” with “TLDR” (too long didn’t read). ha! That’s progress. Facing the fear of being judged and silenced, feeling shamed and rejected by others was my intention for starting to write this blog. Hooray! I can almost give myself a gold star today! ;)

I was in a very inspired, uplifted state, feeling very excited and passionate when I wrote about embracing my destiny in becoming more fearless and the magic of divine timing. I’d stayed up into the wee hours of the morning writing the first draft and then re-visited it the next day with fresh eyes before final edits and the official publishing of it. It took a good part of my day to do that and that was when something deeper and darker began to emerge and reveal itself to me. After publishing it, I spent the rest of my day beating myself up for “wasting my day and not accomplishing anything”. I flashed on my blog knowing that this was where I’d “spent my time” that day. Wow. I took a step back and went into deep self-inquiry. I flashed on how much true joy I felt around what I’d experienced and how fun and freeing it was for me to write about it. It had come easily this time even though it was time consuming. I had given myself permission to feel my excitement and joy and to express it all in my own words with abandon. I even gave myself permission to put it out there without lingering fear, doubts or attachments. I was celebrating. And then I turned around and judged it all as a “waste of time”. Really?! Whoa. What is that really about?!? Why was all of that inspiration and joy now suddenly such a waste? The answers, more questions and an inner dialogue came quickly...

Because I did it for ME. Just for me.

Writing brings me pleasure. It’s a means of creative expression. It puts my world into perspective for me. When pleasure, creative expression, communication, connection and a new perspective all come together it’s magic for me. I feel happy, content, peaceful, fulfilled and “on purpose”.

Where is the value in that? Really?! C'mon now! Joy? Pleasure? Fulfillment? Of course there's value in ALL of that!

You stayed up too late and just wasted your day writing about it...

Ohhhh. I get it...(digging deeper)...this is "about me", isn't it?! This joy, pleasure, and fulfillment is about me, isn't it?!

Am I deserving of all of that? Where is the value in ME?

I have a million other excuses and answers but deep down this is it. This is the ROOT of it all. I got it in spades that day. This is “why” I hold back and don’t write for my blog when the inspirations come. This is why I don’t write my own songs. This is why I don’t pick up my guitar or play my harmonium or go to the piano and noodle away and allow my creative voice to come through my own music every day in a playful way. This is why I don’t paint and draw anymore. This is why I don’t spend hours with my beadwork anymore. This is why I choose work over play or I punish myself and hold myself hostage and don’t give myself permission to play or have fun if/when the work’s not done or I feel lazy. This is why I can’t finish clearing the clutter in my home.

Because when I say yes to all of those, I’m saying “yes” to me. 

Where IS the value in ME?

A very old, deep, wounded, shadow part of me still believes “I am not deserving. I have no value or worth.” Another old, deep, wounded part of me also believes that value and worth must be tangible and measurable. Creativity is not a very tangible thing that one can easily measure although its expression makes it more tangible. Those negative thoughts are not really my truth but they are beliefs I've carried. Like many or most of us, I was raised with a strong midwestern work ethic of “work before play”. Creativity wasn’t a part of my world and by the time I was 5 or 6 years old I was too afraid to break the rules and express it anyway. It’s also deeply embedded in my innate energetic blueprint as a strong Virgo/Capricorn to be that way. Woman or not, in my world the work is never done and I’ve always struggled with giving myself permission to be playful and creative. If I’m not “working” in a physical way then I’m “working” on myself. All my travels over the years have combined training and studies. I haven’t had a non-working, "real vacation” in so many years I can’t remember the last time. Yes, I’m a hard worker and that’s okay. I came in that way, I value being a hard worker and it has served me well. It just has a tendency to get very out of balance and come out sideways - at me - far too easily.

This shadow piece for me of unworthiness is not an epiphany in and of itself. It’s been there with the fear and the shame and the guilt I’ve carried all my life. It’s no coincidence that I just went very deep into healing more layers of guilt and shame in the two weeks preceding this newest awareness of my shadow of unworthiness. Doing that work allowed this next layer of unworthiness to be revealed. I know and understand that this core belief of unworthiness, shame and guilt began for me in the womb, it’s in my ancestral lineage and is imprinted in my energetic blueprint from many, many lifetimes before this one. It’s all connected and part of the fear I’m here to overcome. I’ve done years of talk therapy and years of personal healing work through many alternative avenues to face, embrace and heal this wounded part of me. I still do. I always will. I have to. It’s the space I hold for others through the work I do now through my private energetic, shamanic, intuitive, vibrational healing arts practice. But my ability to see in the dark, to see my own shadow and see through the veils is ever changing and I am seeing more layers now of how I re-create this wound and re-wound myself in my everyday thoughts, beliefs, actions, habits and patterns of living. This “seeing” is also progress. Once I see it, I can begin to heal it. The three A’s of recovery come back to me: Awareness, Acceptance, Action. In that order. One day at a time. One layer at a time. This was just another swoop in the spiral loop, as my beloved teacher, Star Wolf, would say.

Those who know me well know that I deeply value, honor and support my husband’s and children’s incredible talents, creative expression, and passions unconditionally. The irony is I have struggled all my life to be able to give that back to myself. It’s only natural to give freely to others what we most want for ourselves but even that only goes so far. I know only too well that my own creative vessel must be filled in order for me to give as much as I want to give to others, whether that’s as a mother, wife, healer, singer, friend, daughter, or sister. I’m happy to say I'm getting there in fits and starts and I know I’m blessed to have their full support in return.

I’ve been told so many times over from astrologers, intuitives, and teachers that I’m here to “share a big message with the world” and that writing is one of my pathways for sharing. That’s always been so mystifying to me and I still have no clue whether it’s through a blog, a book, my music, all of the above or something else entirely unknown to me. I also feel like time is running out as I am turning 60 this year. Whoa! More blogs to come around that rite of passage! I can feel the “crone/wisdom” energy moving in powerfully now and hope and pray that with that passage will come some clarity, refinement and direction around fulfilling my destiny. In any event, if what “they” say is true about my destiny to share a big message with the world then what I do know today more than ever is that I won’t “get there” (wherever “there” is) no matter how many years I have left unless I can first value myself enough to value the time and energy it takes to put into bringing the creative expression of that message, whatever it is, into form, in my own unique way. Words make life tangible. Music makes life tangible. Beaded amulets and pieces of art make life tangible. And yes, even a clutter-free, lovingly tended home, inside and out, becomes a sacred, creative expression and makes life tangible. The latter may not be near as much fun in the process of creating it but it’s just as important to someone like me. The mundane is just as sacred as the mystical.

As long as I hold back from writing, singing, being playful, having more fun, and creating the kind of home environment that frees up the space for me to "be me" and to create in, I will continue to hold on to the belief somewhere unconsciously that I have no value or worth. It’s a way that I self-sabotage my own success, happiness and my own destiny. 

The diamond in the rough was shining brightly that day when I realized that the greatest purpose behind my writing a blog or whatever I write is not about the message I may or may not be sharing with the world or fulfilling any predicted destiny as a “writer”. The purpose it’s serving is to open up the space for me to really see myself, to show up just for me, to really dig deep and find my own value and worth in what I see, what I have to say and what I want to create.

This means I must value myself in all my forms and ways of expression and showing up every day - tangible or not - because I am here to become my own best creative expression and to have fun and feel fulfilled by doing just that. The rest is just fluff, as they say.

Embracing Destiny

“Between man and God there are two paths: The path of fate and the path of destiny. Those who will give distance to their destiny shall fall into the path of fate. When you walk on the path of fate, you may feel very happy and be an egomaniac, but when the fatal moment comes  -  you will be lost again. When you walk on the path of destiny, it doesn’t matter what distance you cover. When the fatal blow of death comes, you shall be liberated. That is the difference.”

-Yogi Bhajan from Success and the Spirit: An Aquarian Path to Abundance

I became a student of kundalini yoga a little over two years ago this spring and it has been my saving grace and a powerful teacher and guide. I still consider myself very much a novice and I continue to marvel at the magic of it all. 

I love that the path, teachings and focus of kundalini yoga is a spiritual one and the body follows the heart as the mind surrenders and a heart-mind connection is created. I love how simple it can be yet deeply challenging, how powerful it always is and how quickly it shifts the energy. I love the kriyas with the combination of very specific, focused and continuous breathing patterns, mudras, chanting and meditation. 

My discipline and commitment has naturally waxed and waned and I find it easier to keep up a practice or discipline in a class/group setting than privately at home for most things in life and especially yoga; yet surprisingly I was guided to commit to a solo (global/online was the 'community/classroom') 40 day sadhana within the first 6 months of beginning my practice. The energy of that sadhana was called "Releasing Fear and Becoming a Conscious Leader" and Aadays Tisai Aadays was our mantra and kriya. I knew fear was holding me back from becoming a conscious leader in my life but little did I really know how profoundly so. Through a series of very synchronistic connections after a yoga class I requested my spiritual name through the 3HO.org website. Nirinjan Kaur, Yogi Bhajan's Chief of Staff, was trained personally by him for over thirty years in his method of determining names. It is based on one's birth date, numerology, and meditation with the Siri Guru Granth Sahib sacred text. Before his death in 2004, Yogi Bhajan gave his blessings to Nirinjan to continue his work of giving names to those who request them. Expecting it to take up to 2 weeks to arrive, quite auspiciously on the 3rd day of that sadhana I received my spiritual name: "Nirbhao" (pronounced "near-bo"). I learned that Nirbhao means "fearless" and in this tradition one's spiritual name is symbolic of your spiritual or soul identity. It's a roadmap to one's destiny. It's a rebirth in consciousness. I cried all day the day I received my spiritual name because I'd never felt so seen and understood on such a deep, soul and spiritual level as I did through the energy of that name and the destiny it carries. Everything in my life suddenly made sense to me. No wonder I grew up in an angry home that fostered judgment and fear rather than love. No wonder I have been paralyzed in life by my fears and especially by the fear of failure and of being seen, judged harshly and rejected for who I am. Overcoming fear is not just what I'm here to do because I'm a human being, it's my personal destiny! Not only did I feel the challenge of overcoming my intense and paralyzing fears was validated and understood but for the very first time I was able to look back at my life and recognize when and how many times I had already been courageous and fearless in the face of my fears. I'd already survived a lot and I wasn't a total failure after all. I've been living my destiny successfully all along. Being able to appreciate the glass half-full instead of half-empty and see the courage and strength in myself from a place of love from within me for myself was an incredible, healing and humbling moment and gift. I've done a lot of deep, personal healing work and been held in the arms of the Divine more than once. This moment surpassed them all because I was able to see myself through my own eyes of Love, not just through the eyes of others or the eyes of the Divine. In that moment fear no longer held me hostage. I felt no separation from Love. I could be the dark and the light and it was enough. 

No matter what obstacles came up in my everyday life I didn't miss a beat or a day for the next 40 days. That 40 day sadhana then morphed into 90 days and it really changed my life profoundly, forever. Since then, I've been patiently waiting for the next kundalini yoga sadhana to be revealed. I tried a few on here and there but they didn't stick. I've learned I don't go looking for a sadhana just like I don't go looking for my destiny - I trust and know the sadhana will find me as long as I keep my heart open to it just like I trust my destiny will. And so it did, quite magically, and I couldn't be more excited and elated!

It's been a particularly challenging spring and start to the summer for me with a shoulder injury (for no apparent reason), getting very sick for an extended time from a toxic overexposure to mold (something I am highly allergic to), and other areas of stress in life needing all my focus, energy and attention. My yoga became more internal than ever while I allowed my physical body to rest, regenerate and heal as much as possible. Last night I was able to attend my regular weekly/Monday kundalini yoga class for the first time in 3 months. Even as I was acutely aware of how my body had contracted and lost some of its flexibility over those 3 months it was like coming home again! I was amazed and in awe of how quickly my body remembered the warm-ups and responded to the mudras and movements, especially when I used my breath to breathe into the discomfort or restrictions to release the tension and let go. It felt almost effortless. How could that be?!! It's supposed to be so much harder when we've been away from it for an extended time! My shoulder was strong and flexible with an easy, graceful and fluid range of motion once more (thanks to the healing magic of acupuncture tacks and a few other non-traditional healing approaches) even though it let me know it still has a catch or two left to clear. All in good time. I've learned to bless and honor the limitations of my body as much as I celebrate its ability to push and move past obstacles. The kriya we did worked with the navel, the hips and shoulders and I felt the pulse and wave of the energy at my navel at the end of that kriya in the relaxation phase more powerfully than I remember feeling in a really long time. What a surprise and joy all of this was for me!

I am in awe of the body's ability to heal itself and move beyond its limitations when we honor the limitations without judgment, anxiety and fear and give it the time, nourishment, care, attention and love it needs to heal. What an incredible messenger our bodies are! I am in awe of how the mind can be re-trained with practice and discipline. I am in awe of how our inner Spirit and Divine Self and Source guides us to whatever is our destiny in our highest and most divine timing when we surrender and trust the flow and choose to be a co-creator with Source rather than trying to force our way through life with agendas that are egocentric and fear-based. 

Ever since I read this story a few weeks ago about the 2nd Sutra meditation Jaap Sahib http://www.3ho.org/3ho-lifestyle/5-sutras-aquarian-age/2nd-sutra-there-way-through-every-block/2nd-sutra-mantra I've felt a strong draw to make this meditation my next 40 day (or longer) sadhana. So much so that I've kept it open in a browser on my computer since then as a reminder...yet not so much so that I felt the call to really "begin". Until last night! Ahhh! The magic of synchronicity and divine timing! Much to my surprise and delight we ended our class with this meditation and now I know it's time and I'm ready! I plan to keep it simple and start with 5 minutes once a day and go and grow from there as my body and spirit guides me. This 2nd sutra meditation is said to be one that removes fear and obstacles and brings us closer to our destiny. I Am Nirbhao Kaur ~ "fearless princess/lioness of God". I understand that the fear is mine and I am my only obstacle and so I am ready to begin and to embrace this sutra mantra for the next 40 days. I am ready to continue on the path to further embrace my destiny.

I am so grateful to Sat Inder Kaur Khalsa for being my most beloved teacher and for being my Divine messenger to bring my next sadhana to me so auspiciously. I so appreciate her ever constant heart and spirit, love and guidance. _/|\_  

By the way...I'm just going to put this out there...If this meditation calls to You and Your divine timing is Now, please feel free to join me on this 40 day sadhana journey to move through obstacles and embrace your destiny! Whether near or far we can connect here, in a google circle, and in the ethers! It's so much fun to share the journey together! We can inspire each other to keep up!

Wahe Guru! Sat Nam!  Nirbhao Kaur
#kundaliniyoga #destiny #heart #fearlessness #love #yoga #mudras #meditation #mantras 

The Heart of Appreciation ~ A Divinely Orchestrated Dance of Duality

On February 28th I completed a 30 Day Appreciation Challenge on Facebook. This was a wonderful practice for me that came at a very significant and auspicious time..."divinely orchestrated", as I am fond of saying. This is the second time I've done a 30 day practice of Appreciation. The first one was focused 100% on appreciating MYSELF at the end of the day and no one else. Now there's a challenge for you! This time I had the width and breadth of all of life's people, places, things and experiences to appreciate. I found both of these processes to be powerful, life-enhancing and life-changing. I became aware of how easy it is to take appreciation for granted. I found myself pondering the difference between appreciation and gratitude. Even though I missed a few days here and there for putting my appreciation into written form on the Facebook group page, I found myself in a heightened state of awareness and mindfulness about appreciation. I never missed a day of appreciating someone or something very consciously, sometimes many times over in a day, expressing it internally in my own mind/thoughts and/or sharing it in the moment with another depending upon the kind of appreciation I found myself experiencing. Likewise, I had a heightened awareness of the times I felt distanced, alienated or separate from a state of appreciation. In those moments I knew all I needed to do was LOOK for it...change my perspective...change my mind...someone or something is always there to appreciate. If nothing else, I am always there to be appreciated. Right? Right.

I smiled at the irony of the timing of this practice of appreciation and communication coming during an intense Mercury retrograde when I either have diarrhea of the mouth or the cat can often get my chatty Virgo-Mercurial tongue and leave me tongue tied or stumbling over my words and thoughts creating misunderstandings and heartbreaks rather than more understanding and heartfelt connection.

More divine timing and orchestration was afoot often leaving me in awe and wonder as I spent half of this month away from home, in upstate New York in the Catskills where I've never been before, immersed in a totally new healing adventure with very close family and holding space for that healing journey. I felt almost sequestered and we ended up snowbound by a nor'easter which gave us all 5 more days to deepen into whatever the healing adventure was gifting each of us. It was a deep, powerful, fertile time of reflection, rebirth, transformation, new growth and awarenesses for me on many levels of life. My commitment to keeping my mind focused on appreciation was a critical moment of choice every day and key for strengthening me to hold sacred space for healing, to see the glass half-full in every way, and to be open to receiving the grace, peace, trust, faith, hope, serenity and a renewed sense of inner well being that I experienced there and brought home with me. Appreciation kept my heart open. Yes. That's what appreciation does. That's what commitment does. That's what the heart does. It changes us. Forever. For the better.

Although this time was not a recitation of a single prayer or mantra and it wasn't a minimum of 40 days as we practice sadhana in kundalini yoga, this became my sacred 30 day Sadhana of Appreciation and I am forever enriched and changed because of it. I have made a personal commitment to continue this practice of appreciation for 40 days, 90 days, 180 days...and on and on and on...

My deepest appreciation goes to Linda Coussens whose creative inspiration and commitment to facilitate and hold the space for this sadhana of appreciation was my invitation and inspiration to say yes to the journey. I am forever grateful.

The excerpt that I'm choosing to share below pretty much puts it all into perspective for me. Like everything else in life, it's a dance with duality...bridging heaven and earth. Simple, yes. Easy, no.

Excerpt from my 30 Day Appreciation Challenge ~ February 22, 2014 ~

I appreciate the ebb and flow of expression, communication, energy, perspectives, connection, and creativity. I appreciate the fluctuations I feel and observe in my own state of mindfulness, emotions, or well-being as a result of this natural ebb and flow of life. I learn so much from the differences in this continuum of everyday life and living.

I appreciate the emptiness and the fullness. I appreciate the quiet and the noise. I appreciate the connection and the solitude. I appreciate the uncertainty and predictability. I appreciate the chaos and the creation that comes out of chaos. I appreciate tenderness and strength. I appreciate the knowing and the not knowing, the fog and the clarity. I appreciate wisdom and folly. I appreciate the space between all duality where the divine expression is created, birthed, and made visible.

I appreciate experiencing when I am without words to share or express my appreciation, sometimes for days, and yet so aware and present now to an ongoing experience and awareness of appreciation very deep within me. I appreciate when the words are there and they flow effortlessly. Because of this I am learning to trust the power of silence as well as shared expressions, deepen my discernment in the dance of communication and connection between self and others, and learning to trust myself, trust life, and trust Creator more.

I appreciate being reminded and experiencing that the most important connection and communication is the one between myself and Creator and that all appreciation arises from that space which rests in the heart.

Coffee, Bedhead and the Beetle

I'm sitting here this morning with coffee and bed~head and my inner critic...a little writer's remorse still lingering from the blog's birthing this week...over-thinking everything.

What goes up must come down, as they say. Birthing my blog on Tuesday took me up, up, up to the heights of joy, celebration, and freedom. I was so lifted and elated I couldn't fall asleep until 4 am that night. Although a serious night owl by nature, since getting sick with lyme disease 4 yrs ago, sleep deprivation is a dangerous slippery slope for me now. No luxury to sleep in late Wednesday morning so by the time I published my second blog post about the cricket's song on Wednesday afternoon, I was very overtired feeling quite vulnerable and physically unwell. Already acutely aware I was on the cusp of a lyme flare, I started going down physically, mentally and emotionally, slowly but steadily, struggling to sustain a sense of joy while attempting to successfully silence the inner critic's "writer's remorse". It's very hard to keep a good attitude in the midst of a very tired, aching, inflamed, congested physical body and brain fog. I can't help but wonder which comes first - the physical crash and then the mental, emotional and spiritual crash or the mental, emotional, spiritual crash and then the physical. And then I hear the cricket's Sunday song of heaven and earth in my innermost self and I'm reminded again that there is really no separation between spirit and matter, so I can just give up trying to figure out which comes first. Pick one or the other as my starting point, open my heart, and change will come. All I can do is work with where I Am right now and that means putting myself first and taking care of me. Sometimes that feels really selfish but I'm learning the hard way that I don't have anything left to give to anyone or anywhere else in my life if I don't give to myself first.

So, I made a commitment to thursday as my self-care, healing and "me" day and scheduled a massage and a NAET treatment (an energetic allergy elimination/desensitization treatment process). I had an amazing massage that supported me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, with the healing physical touch as well as powerful energetic and shamanic clearings and messages and totems coming through both my masseuse and my own inner connections with spirit. I noticed how much I'd been unconsciously holding my breath. There was no space to take in any breath. So much constriction and pain in my body. So much purging and detoxing is moving through at the physical levels as I move through all these layers of fear and a lifetime of disowning my authentic power.
A few hours after massage I went for a NAET treatment. Just as Dr. Dorothy was about to begin my treatment she noticed a dead but incredibly beautiful neon green beetle sitting on top of her notepad. She brought it immediately over to show it to me and said she had no idea what this was or where this had come from; that it wasn't there before my session. I gasped and said "it's a beetle!" and I felt my heart leap for joy! The scarab/beetle is a deeply sacred personal totem for me. I told her this was a powerful sign for me and of course I brought it home with me to place on my mesa/medicine altar. Having never seen a green beetle before, I googled it and found out it's a June bug beetle! Of course I took a picture of it so I can share it with you here.

I can't believe I had another insect show up yesterday in the strangest way as a messenger for my journey through clearing the clutter and putting myself "out there", free of fear, judgment and shame. Well, I guess I can, because it's me! I'm strange and shamanic in that way! A beautiful green June bug beetle...dead but perfectly preserved and so beautiful...showed up just for me...
What does the scarab/beetle mean to me and what is it's message for me right now, in this very moment?
Scarab/Beetle came to me as a personal guide and totem many years ago through the Egyptian Kemetic tradition as Khepra. Scarab represents transformation and change. Divine timing. Death and rebirth. Beetles roll the dung of the earth up and transform it into something useful and very sacred. Scarab is very protective and very grounding. Its belly lies on the earth and yet it also has wings with which to fly. The egyptian scarab has wings that are symbolic of Isis - the Great Mother of the Egyptian Kemetic tradition. So this makes it especially sacred to me because of my intense desire, commitment and soul destiny/life lesson to do my very best to embrace the Great Mother and be a "good Mother" in this lifetime. There is so much symbolism with the beetle - too much for even this loquacious MamaBird to share!

Plain and simple for me, this beautiful June bug beetle reminds me of who I am at my core. It's here to help me see the sacred in all things and in all experiences. It's here to help move me through transformation and change, to ground and protect me as I take the shit of life and all its clutter and turn it into something useful and sacred. It also symbolizes "MamaBird" - the mother that I am striving to be in this lifetime to myself and to my own children and even for the world collectively in my own small individual way. Like the cricket, it's here to help me sing my heart's song and share it with the world.

So far I seem to mostly be clearing the mental and emotional clutter and I'm still struggling to make much progress on the physical/material plane. But one thing is for certain, the sacred messengers are here when needed or called upon, reminding me that everything is interconnected and every change I make matters. I am clearing the clutter in my life. One thought. One breath. One day at a time.

Halfway through my NAET treatment, wearing the purple color therapy glasses that reconnects me with Source and Spirit, I felt the pain leaving my body. I could inhale and breathe deeply again. I felt renewed again. I felt a new lightness of being entering into my mind and lifting me once more into a space of hope and possibilities for a brighter, clearer, cleaner, and yes, even pain-free, clutter-free life. What is dead can be resurrected into a new beginning. There is no beginning. There is no ending. There's only now.
What a world. What a journey. What a blessing.

Cricket & the Clutter - An Unsung Song

It’s Sunday morning and a cricket is chirping very loudly and non-stop somewhere in this house. It literally sounds like it's right next to me. I find the incessant chirping quite annoying and figure there must be something I need to embrace about "cricket medicine" as taught in indigenous traditions, so of course I looked it up. Everything I read basically says cricket heralds “heightened intuition, sensitivity, awareness and balance of action”. Balance of action definitely fits the bill here but I sure don't feel like I need my intuition, sensitivity and awareness heightened! lol Frankly, as far as I’m concerned I’m feeling way too much of that these days! I need grounding, focus and a burst of the "old me" energy so I can show up, feet to the fire, and move through the mundane responsibilities and tasks of life while courageously facing the chaos, fear, resistance, procrastination, confusion, clutter, and overwhelm I can so often feel when meeting life right where it is from wherever I am. This is particularly true right now with de-cluttering my home but in truth those have been the "old me" lifelong patterns on many levels. So this is an all-too familiar energy and feeling. I’m mindful and grateful that I’ve learned to navigate new ways of showing up more authentically and consciously in a lot of areas of my life but the one area that remains my greatest challenge is the physical clutter. And that’s my focus today. Well, truthfully, it’s my focus every day these days. It's become a monster that never goes away and it gets in my way. And now I find I'm at a 'clutter crossroads'. Panic and overwhelm ensues and seems to always trump all the cards I play. I want to do anything and everything BUT clear the clutter and I’m very good at distracting myself to avoid what I don’t want to do. Today I find the cricket’s chirp is distracting me and I am compelled to write about it. I don't yet know what it has to say to me; I just know it feels important and I know that writing about it will help me uncover it.

I used to be able to face this sort of resistance and challenge in life with more energy and confidence even though procrastination has been a lifelong albatross. It used to be that once I started a project there was no stopping me. I could easily imagine and envision the end result and holding on to that vision inspired me and kept me going, no matter what. Now the vision of a clutter free home feels unreachable and impossible. There's too many years to catch up on and present time seems to be moving faster and faster. I either can’t get started at all or once I do start I struggle to stay with it. I lose my momentum quickly as I get stuck all over again in the midst of it. I used to keep an immaculate and well organized house. I used to truly find pleasure in the maintenance of it and the “doing” and somehow that escapes me now. All I feel is the heavy burden of it. It takes so much energy now to just stay with it and if/when I do stick with it seemingly there's so little to show for my efforts in the end. It’s so much bigger than me. I just give up, leaving more unfinished and more chaos in its wake than when I started.

I didn’t used to “give up” so easily either. In fact, the "old me" refused to give up to the extent that I fully sacrificed myself over and over and over just to "keep up". But life has taught me a lot, even if it’s been the hard way, and that "old me energy" and old way of "get ‘er done, all or nothing, gun-to-the-head, do or die” is pretty much long gone now, or at least when it comes to navigating through this dense and physical layer of the material “stuff” of life. 

The burden of clutter and disorder has been with me for so long (and it’s so contrary to my truest nature) it’s now starting to feel like a real life gun to the head, do or die place. I don’t want to continue to live my life moving forward from that kind of fear-based energy. I want to discover, embrace and embody a new way of taking action from all levels of my being. I want to believe it's possible and that I can do it. No more throwing myself into the fire and pushing until I burn out. Believe me, I’m willing to die to the old again and again. I understand how that has to be done in order for real growth to occur and for the new to birth. From my birds-eye view life is a continual metaphorical, mystical, psychospiritual and shamanic cycle of death and rebirth. I’m not willing to give up on the future by staying stuck in the past. I’m willing to surrender and let go of what no longer serves me and die a new death in the spiral evolution of death and rebirth. My inner warrior knows when it’s time to surrender and shows me that in that surrender lies as great a triumph as any victory to guide me through.

So why am I still stuck? What am I holding on to? What is "my new way" through this very dense, mundane obstacle and challenge now? Sighs. I already know what I need "to do" and that knowing often becomes another set-up for failure as the answers are often lost or silenced by the harsh critical voices in my head and the dark, shadowy energies of the past. Silenced by the part of me that doesn’t want me to hear the truth that I am capable and worthy of moving forward and leaving this past behind me. I'm struck with the awareness that the past is exactly what I’m trying to clear here and the past lives inside all that material stuff, sharing time and space with all those old thoughts, beliefs, and energies that it’s "too hard, too limiting and I can’t see my way out, blah blah blah” that keep me from successfully clearing the clutter! What a catch 22! Where do I begin? What do I clear first? The mental or the physical clutter? They are inseparable. They are a perfect reflection of each other and they are fully enmeshed and each one hooks the other back in! Damn. It's no wonder the clutter holds so much power over me...those “Old beliefs, Old ways, Old patterns”…

*Life is hard.

*Life is limiting.

*I have to work hard and suffer in order to be rewarded and grow. No pain, no gain, right?

*I have to do it alone.

*I let myself down.

*If I start, I will fail.

*I will fail anyway.

*It will never be good enough.

*I am not good enough.

Ok. Winding my way back to the cricket's chirp now. How does the heightened, intuitive, sensitive medicine of the cricket help me find my way through all these old negative beliefs and patterns in a practical, grounded kind of way? When I asked that question I was amazed to hear the answer. I was quickly guided to listen to "God's Cricket Chorus". Please have a listen at the link below. It's really beautiful and quite amazing! Even if you've heard it before, listen again. We all need to remember and hear this hidden unsong song of the cricket...

"This unique piece is not a synthesizer or a choir singing, but the song of the crickets themselves. Jim Wilson has created this unique effect by slowing down the original cricket song to match and mirror the lifespan of the average human being. The result is a work that induces an atmostphere of peace, serenity and healing, all courtesy of Mother Nature"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGpCtK1KHwI

And now I understand the message and the medicine of the cricket’s song for me today.

The cricket's annoying chirp to my human ears today is like the clutter in my house and in my life. It annoys, agitates and distracts me. I am powerless over it so all I want to do is either run away from it or destroy it because I know I can’t silence it. When I try to face the clutter from the mental, emotional and physical levels of being only, I disconnect myself from spirit. Like the heavenly “God’s Cricket Choir” that sings so magically through the cricket’s ordinary chirp when it’s slowed down to match the vibration at the human level reveals that there’s a power in the hidden song and higher vibration of Creator & Spirit to merge heaven and earth/spirit and matter, and create beauty, peace and a whole new song, so there is a power for me in the higher vibration of my connection with Creator, God/Goddess, Source and Spirit that’s already there for me, singing to me, calling me, waiting to be claimed, sung and infused into my world as the "new me" showing me "the way" through the mundane, through the clutter, and home to my heart's song. It’s the paradoxical, hidden, unsung music of heaven and earth. It's the paradox of being both a human being and a spiritual being. It’s the merging of the two dualities that becomes a beautiful new song that opens up the space for a whole new expression of beauty to be created. Yes. The "new way" that awaits me is my personal “unsung song” that also refuses to be silenced and lies hidden in the messiness of life and in the clutter. It's already there, ready to be released and revealed as I clear the clutter. Now that's inspiring!

So what’s my new way through? “New beliefs. New ways. New patterns” (that really don’t feel so new after all...they’ve been around for quite a while now ~ I just forget sometimes)

*Practice. Practice. Practice.

*Commitment ~ to myself first and foremost.

*Let go of ‘all or nothing’ beliefs
*Less can be more - not just in the "stuff" but also in the outcome. It's unrealistic and out of balance to try to get it all done in one fell swoop anymore. A de-cluttered corner has as much value as an entire de-cluttered room.

*Leap and trust the process.

*Start from right where I am.

*Accept my resistance and limitations as a teacher and guide rather than perceiving them as an immediate failure.

*Don’t wait for the fear, resistance or overwhelm to go away. Feel it. Name it. Embrace it.

*Do what I can today. One day at a time. Just Do It.

*Appreciate and value all my efforts, no matter how big or small.

*Balance the work with play.

*Be kind to myself.

*Ask for help along the way, both in Human and Spirit form. I can't do it alone. It's all so much bigger than me.

*Practice. Practice. Practice.

There is still a whisper of my ego and inner critic that’s trying to tell me I’m a failure from the get-go because I know I'm really the only one getting in my way here and I haven't been very successful yet, so why even try. But today I know better. On Sunday, I literally heard the crickets chirping everywhere I went - indoors and outdoors. Today the cricket’s song is singing louder than that nasty critic’s voice and is helping me remember. I’m really not a failure. I’m just very human and I’m figuring it out as I go. Someday I'll be singing my unsung song. In the meantime, I will listen to God's Cricket Choir before I begin any clutter clearing and during it whenever I get stuck to remind me that the density of all that I'm clearing is already lifted to a new vibration and so I am also lifted, just for the asking.

"Cricket will attune to new vibrations and will aid in heightening intuition, sensitivity and awareness. Crickets can teach effective communication techniques and subconsciousness communication cues to obtain what is needed or wanted. Crickets are about resurrection and transformation from stages as in the molting process. Is it time to shed old ideas to make way for the new? Expect changes and new developments that will bring growth through reflection and patience as the sensitivity to mental, emotional and physical challenges are coming your way. Are you singing your song to be heard at this time? Is it time to rest in contemplation or jump toward your intended target whether it be at work, in relationships, or personal goal and dream? Cricket will help in finding the right balance of action using intuition and subtle awareness." ~ Animal Totems, Dictionary of Insects by StarStuffs  

"Just As I Am"

There's a definite bite & chill in the air - fall is arriving - and with it comes some panic and urgency rising in my belly. I've been feeling the wolf at the door for some time now. Time is running out for me to prepare properly for winter's hibernation and loss of energy and light that I typically experience with wintertime. It's time to clear the clutter. I mean really clear the clutter. Lately I find myself swinging like a pendulum between inspiration and despair, starting and stopping, fumbling and stumbling in the dark of it all, searching endlessly for a new balance in the tension of the extremes, longing for a new pathway to get there...wherever "there" is that I'm trying to get to. This past weekend, in spite of my best intentions, I hit that wall of overwhelm and resistance and all I could do was be present with it. I couldn't move. So I surrendered my agendas and gave myself permission to be right where I was: stuck in the muck, again. Instead of finding peace and trust in the surrender, I began to feel that all too familiar judgment, hopelessness, despair, and sense of failure. And then something magical began to unfold. Mother Nature found its way into my consciousness through a cricket's chirping and soon I found myself fully immersed in writing about the cricket...

But before I go there I want to share a little bit about me and why I'm writing this blog.

I've never kept journals consistently and I've never fancied myself a "writer" but I've wanted so much to write a blog for a really long time. It never felt safe to me. Deep seated fears of being exposed and seen for who I really am publicly or exposing others in some way and being judged for what I might say, saying too much and taking up too much time, or somehow hurting someone's feelings with my words combined with deeply entrenched woundings and patterns of low self-worth, perfectionism and people-pleasing held me back. These fears didn't just hold me back when it came to writing - these have been core fears that have held me back in all areas of my life.

Anyone who knows me very well knows I am rarely a woman of few words! For me, life is such an incredible adventure and filled with so much wonder and mystery so I always have a lot to say and many stories to tell! And, for me this has been both a blessing and a curse. 

The blessing is that putting my thoughts and feelings into words, either in writing or in conversation, always makes sense of all the inner and outer confusion and clutter, frees my mind, and opens up a space for me to find my way back to my center. Having someone to share this with deepens my sense of connection and belonging in a world where I have never really felt I belonged or fit into. Talking about it or writing about it helps me put the pieces of the puzzle of life together. 

The curse has been that I have felt a tremendous amount of fear and shame all my life and this carried over into speaking out in groups or being in the public eye in any way. Most people find this hard to believe since on the outside I'm very outgoing and I connect easily with people. It's true, by nature, I really am a people-person and I thrive on connection, but I was going at it from the wrong direction. I was just trying to fit in and taking on all the responsibility in my relationships for having or sustaining a connection. That meant fitting me, my words, my creative expression and my life into a container that suited everyone else's comfort level. It worked for a while in its own dysfunctional way but of course it wasn't working in the long run. I was dying a slow and painful death inside and my outside world began to crumble. I desperately needed to find my authentic Self, make authentic and safe connections, experience feeling received, heard and understood just as I am, and find an outlet for my own unique creative expression and self-identity. That slow and painful death finally took me to the doorway of my soul's destiny and calling to "come out" of hiding and meet my Self for the very first time. All of me. The good and the bad. The dark and the light. Face my fears. Heal and release the shame. Acknowledge my gifts and talents. Know that I'm worthy of being received and loved by just being Me. Let those who can love and truly accept me for exactly who I am, wherever I am, come into my life (or for those who were already there and willing, to stay) and let that love be enough. To understand that I don't need to be received and loved by everyone in order to be good enough. In fact, it's impossible. I will be rejected. To not only take myself "off the hook" for any perceived imperfections and failures but also take others in my life "off the hook". No one is responsible for my happiness, freedom, creativity, and connection but me. I need to stop rejecting mySelf and love, receive and connect with mySelf, just as I am. Oh my, that's a tall order and a life-long lesson. I continue to come face to face with those doorways of fear, judgment, and rejection again and again in the spiral loop of life - and writing this blog is one of those doors I'm finally ready to walk through. No one is more surprised than me to find me here today!

Over the years I have found myself mysteriously drawn more and more to writing - an almost insatiable longing to write - yet not knowing why or what to do with it. What am I "supposed" to write about? What do I have to say that someone else hasn't already said? Who wants to listen to what I have to say? I know the "right" answers to all of those questions and yet they continued to stand in the way and hold me hostage. I once mentioned my longing, angst and confusion about writing to a close and well-meaning friend (who I hold in some esteem as a writer), expecting to get some guidance, encouragement and inspiration. I shared that I wanted to write about my everyday life - about all the thoughts and images that go through my mind on a daily basis and experiences I have that become metaphors for me for living an ordinary life in an extraordinary way. He laughed at me and said, "Who wants to read about you and your life?!?" Yes. I believe he was serious and I took it very seriously. He was a perfect reflection of my own inner critic and I took that to heart for a long time. On the flip side, I've had quite a few people close to me who believe in me really encourage me to take the leap. No surprise, it hasn't been as easy for me to take that to heart.

I've been afraid that writing a blog would become a new distraction for me - that it will take up too much of my time and I will use it as a way to avoid other responsibilities in life that are boring. Well, if I really want to be distracted from my responsibilities I'll find something somewhere to distract me and the truth is not writing has become a distraction for me. When my mind is filled with words and thoughts I have to get it out or it gets in my way. And I find ways to write anyway. I have found myself sharing and/or writing something very personal to someone, somewhere every day. And when there was no one to talk to or write to, I wrote to myself. Everything went into a draft file called "musings for a blog" to save for someday...

I've lived for someday far too long. I'm not getting any younger and time is running out. So today, I am officially opening my blog even though it was the last thing on my mind this past weekend. As I was more or less unraveling again, stuck in the muck, it all began to unfold. I don't know how often I will write or what I will write about other than my innermost thoughts, feelings, and everyday life experiences when the ordinary becomes extraordinary and the extraordinary becomes ordinary. And maybe, like my friend said, no one will want to read about it. It may not have any meaning for anyone else. And that's okay. I'm clear now that I'm really writing publicly for me. It feels really good to have finally stepped through that huge wall of fear that's held me back from just taking the first step. Just like arriving here seemed to unfold in its own unexpected and divine timing, in spite of me, I trust whatever I'm meant to do with this blog from here on out, if anything at all, will also unfold divinely and take me by surprise again and again.

I have crossed a threshold and this blog is and will be a "write of passage" for me. I have my husband to thank for helping me discover the metaphor there when I told him "this is a major rite of passage for me". This blog is an outlet for me to use my words to express the joy and pain, magic and wonder, and interconnectedness I see and experience around me in everyday life as a mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister, healer, singer, teacher, and a very ordinary woman living an extraordinary life.

I invite you to join me and begin this journey with me with the call of the cricket...