Wednesday, October 3, 2018

You Have All the Time You Need

A year ago today I penned this piece for a FB post. It feels so timely (pun intended!) to share today. How do we move through time without fear and with grace? We BREATHE.

Once a night owl, always a night owl but that only applies to waking and sleeping hours. It has nothing to do with productivity; at least not anymore. I can't buy back "lost time" in the midnight hours any longer. Back in the day, nighttime hours (after 9 pm) were my most productive time at home even after working a 40+ hr/wk job. Now, no matter what else needs to be done, I'M DONE by 8 or 9 pm. I may not be ready to sleep but I'm "clocked out".
A curse of aging or a blessing of wisdom? They say with age comes wisdom. One can only hope. Who needs to be working all day and night, right?! Why then, does it always feel like I'm a day late and a dollar short, as they say, still caught up in the pressure cooker of time, never "caught up" and I feel the pressure to keep doing? The best I can figure is it's old conditioning, driven by fear and a harsh inner critic and a crazy culture that places more value on productivity than stopping to smell the roses.
At my age now I tend to feel like I'm living on borrowed time. Not being maudlin here - it's a simple fact. I've lived more than 50% of my life now, even if I live to be 100. Local and world events of violence, war, natural catastrophes, disease, and death remind me that every moment is precious. Every moment counts. I want to savor them and not waste them caught up in a pressure cooker of time and "doing". I want to BE present in each moment, whether that's chopping wood/carrying water or riding a spiritual wave of bliss or ordinary playfulness.
Many years ago a very dear friend of mine looked into my eyes, held my hands and said to me at a very tender moment of personal breakdown, "You have all the time you need". I wept with tears of relief. No one had ever said that to me before and I've never forgotten it. I had felt nothing but the pressure of "not enough" in every way my entire life. It was hard to believe and even today I can doubt it but something healed in me in that moment that I am forever grateful for.
Now I say it to myself. Funny how it always magically seems to create more time and space.
There's no rush. There's no pressure. There's no one judging me. I'm right on time. I have all the time I need. I'm living one day at a time on Divine time.
And then I BREATHE.