There's a definite bite & chill in the air - fall is arriving - and with it comes some panic and urgency rising in my belly. I've been feeling the wolf at the door for some time now. Time is running out for me to prepare properly for winter's hibernation and loss of energy and light that I typically experience with wintertime. It's time to clear the clutter. I mean really clear the clutter. Lately I find myself swinging like a pendulum between inspiration and despair, starting and stopping, fumbling and stumbling in the dark of it all, searching endlessly for a new balance in the tension of the extremes, longing for a new pathway to get there...wherever "there" is that I'm trying to get to. This past weekend, in spite of my best intentions, I hit that wall of overwhelm and resistance and all I could do was be present with it. I couldn't move. So I surrendered my agendas and gave myself permission to be right where I was: stuck in the muck, again. Instead of finding peace and trust in the surrender, I began to feel that all too familiar judgment, hopelessness, despair, and sense of failure. And then something magical began to unfold. Mother Nature found its way into my consciousness through a cricket's chirping and soon I found myself fully immersed in writing about the cricket...
But before I go there I want to share a little bit about me and why I'm writing this blog.
I've never kept journals consistently and I've never fancied myself a "writer" but I've wanted so much to write a blog for a really long time. It never felt safe to me. Deep seated fears of being exposed and seen for who I really am publicly or exposing others in some way and being judged for what I might say, saying too much and taking up too much time, or somehow hurting someone's feelings with my words combined with deeply entrenched woundings and patterns of low self-worth, perfectionism and people-pleasing held me back. These fears didn't just hold me back when it came to writing - these have been core fears that have held me back in all areas of my life.
Anyone who knows me very well knows I am rarely a woman of few words! For me, life is such an incredible adventure and filled with so much wonder and mystery so I always have a lot to say and many stories to tell! And, for me this has been both a blessing and a curse.
The blessing is that putting my thoughts and feelings into words, either in writing or in conversation, always makes sense of all the inner and outer confusion and clutter, frees my mind, and opens up a space for me to find my way back to my center. Having someone to share this with deepens my sense of connection and belonging in a world where I have never really felt I belonged or fit into. Talking about it or writing about it helps me put the pieces of the puzzle of life together.
The curse has been that I have felt a tremendous amount of fear and shame all my life and this carried over into speaking out in groups or being in the public eye in any way. Most people find this hard to believe since on the outside I'm very outgoing and I connect easily with people. It's true, by nature, I really am a people-person and I thrive on connection, but I was going at it from the wrong direction. I was just trying to fit in and taking on all the responsibility in my relationships for having or sustaining a connection. That meant fitting me, my words, my creative expression and my life into a container that suited everyone else's comfort level. It worked for a while in its own dysfunctional way but of course it wasn't working in the long run. I was dying a slow and painful death inside and my outside world began to crumble. I desperately needed to find my authentic Self, make authentic and safe connections, experience feeling received, heard and understood just as I am, and find an outlet for my own unique creative expression and self-identity. That slow and painful death finally took me to the doorway of my soul's destiny and calling to "come out" of hiding and meet my Self for the very first time. All of me. The good and the bad. The dark and the light. Face my fears. Heal and release the shame. Acknowledge my gifts and talents. Know that I'm worthy of being received and loved by just being Me. Let those who can love and truly accept me for exactly who I am, wherever I am, come into my life (or for those who were already there and willing, to stay) and let that love be enough. To understand that I don't need to be received and loved by everyone in order to be good enough. In fact, it's impossible. I will be rejected. To not only take myself "off the hook" for any perceived imperfections and failures but also take others in my life "off the hook". No one is responsible for my happiness, freedom, creativity, and connection but me. I need to stop rejecting mySelf and love, receive and connect with mySelf, just as I am. Oh my, that's a tall order and a life-long lesson. I continue to come face to face with those doorways of fear, judgment, and rejection again and again in the spiral loop of life - and writing this blog is one of those doors I'm finally ready to walk through. No one is more surprised than me to find me here today!
Over the years I have found myself mysteriously drawn more and more to writing - an almost insatiable longing to write - yet not knowing why or what to do with it. What am I "supposed" to write about? What do I have to say that someone else hasn't already said? Who wants to listen to what I have to say? I know the "right" answers to all of those questions and yet they continued to stand in the way and hold me hostage. I once mentioned my longing, angst and confusion about writing to a close and well-meaning friend (who I hold in some esteem as a writer), expecting to get some guidance, encouragement and inspiration. I shared that I wanted to write about my everyday life - about all the thoughts and images that go through my mind on a daily basis and experiences I have that become metaphors for me for living an ordinary life in an extraordinary way. He laughed at me and said, "Who wants to read about you and your life?!?" Yes. I believe he was serious and I took it very seriously. He was a perfect reflection of my own inner critic and I took that to heart for a long time. On the flip side, I've had quite a few people close to me who believe in me really encourage me to take the leap. No surprise, it hasn't been as easy for me to take that to heart.
I've been afraid that writing a blog would become a new distraction for me - that it will take up too much of my time and I will use it as a way to avoid other responsibilities in life that are boring. Well, if I really want to be distracted from my responsibilities I'll find something somewhere to distract me and the truth is not writing has become a distraction for me. When my mind is filled with words and thoughts I have to get it out or it gets in my way. And I find ways to write anyway. I have found myself sharing and/or writing something very personal to someone, somewhere every day. And when there was no one to talk to or write to, I wrote to myself. Everything went into a draft file called "musings for a blog" to save for someday...
I've lived for someday far too long. I'm not getting any younger and time is running out. So today, I am officially opening my blog even though it was the last thing on my mind this past weekend. As I was more or less unraveling again, stuck in the muck, it all began to unfold. I don't know how often I will write or what I will write about other than my innermost thoughts, feelings, and everyday life experiences when the ordinary becomes extraordinary and the extraordinary becomes ordinary. And maybe, like my friend said, no one will want to read about it. It may not have any meaning for anyone else. And that's okay. I'm clear now that I'm really writing publicly for me. It feels really good to have finally stepped through that huge wall of fear that's held me back from just taking the first step. Just like arriving here seemed to unfold in its own unexpected and divine timing, in spite of me, I trust whatever I'm meant to do with this blog from here on out, if anything at all, will also unfold divinely and take me by surprise again and again.
I have crossed a threshold and this blog is and will be a "write of passage" for me. I have my husband to thank for helping me discover the metaphor there when I told him "this is a major rite of passage for me". This blog is an outlet for me to use my words to express the joy and pain, magic and wonder, and interconnectedness I see and experience around me in everyday life as a mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister, healer, singer, teacher, and a very ordinary woman living an extraordinary life.
I invite you to join me and begin this journey with me with the call of the cricket...
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