tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78481671526777310152024-03-12T17:14:51.357-07:00MamaBird's Musings ~ A Write of PassageAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05946056713905428497noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7848167152677731015.post-71600287269433403952019-02-09T20:16:00.001-08:002019-02-10T10:48:16.003-08:00To Do-or Not To Do<span id="docs-internal-guid-5e998a46-7fff-6118-ead0-bc0b3e3ce743"></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 10.5pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Time was when being stuck at home due to bitter cold or snow meant I would dig in to projects that I had procrastinated on. I would turn on the music. The house would get cleaned. Furniture would get rearranged. Paper dragons would get sorted through. Life would get re-organized. Nowadays it seems there's little motivation to dig in anywhere, no matter the weather or the season.</span></div>
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Back in the day I was a "doer". I took great pride in all my doing. My identity was all wrapped up in how much I could take on, how much I did and accomplished, how well I could multi-task and manage so many things. It was all I knew to be the measure of a person's worth. I didn't realize the shadow of that "doer" at the time. I was just doing what I had been taught and what I had to do to survive, that is true, but looking back I can see the imbalance. I rarely did self-care, watched a movie, read a book or "played". I saw the glass half-empty or when I acknowledged it was half-full, that appreciation would quickly pass. I also judged myself harshly as lazy or irresponsible for "not doing". I held myself to impossible standards. Of course that would get projected unconsciously to others to a degree although I was always harder on myself than anyone else. I could be a martyr for all my abilities to push through, take on and "do" what nobody else would or even perhaps "could" do. Underneath all of that, however, the truth was, I wasn't "keeping up". Life was complicated. It was too much. It was impossible to keep up and something had to give. I was paying a huge price for the "doership" and "the something" that had to give was ME.
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial"; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">("Duality" by Patricia Ariel)</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 10.5pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">The pendulum swung the other way.</span><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 10.5pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 10.5pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was humbled by chronic illness, age and life circumstances that forced me to STOP. I had to let go of the "doer" and all the identity I had wrapped around that. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: , , , ".sfnstext-regular" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">I didn't let go very easily. Still working on it. Life doesn't stop even if I need to. I still had to "do" things. I still tried to show up for others when the chips were down. I don't look the part but it's there. I don't look sick. It was well hidden to everyone but me.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: , , , ".sfnstext-regular" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"> I faced it "in the shadow mirror" every day. </span><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 10.5pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">I had to face and accept the shadow in me of being "lazy, undisciplined and unstructured" (sick or not) - things that I never thought I was.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial";"><span style="font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I AM THAT. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial";"><span style="font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am as lazy, helpless, undisciplined and unstructured as much as I am the "doer, the survivor, the responsible, structured and disciplined one".</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial";"><span style="font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I AM BOTH/AND.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial";"><span style="font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have a warrior spirit. I am still in awe of how I managed all that I managed and I bow to that part of me who had the ability to "survive" and be very responsible and show up for whatever comes my way. I needed her and she served me well. I know that part is still in me - she's a part of who I am - and I can tap into her if/when I truly need to. I will never toss her aside. She has great value and worth.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial";"><span style="font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I also bow to the One who knows how to do nothing, who can rest in peace in the silence and relax in the void and the space between.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: arial;"> I HAVE BEEN CHANGED.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial";">I AM STILL CHANGING.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial";"><span style="font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I feel suspended right now between the paradox of the "doer" and the "non-doer". Where's the balance? I don't quite know how to reconcile them in a way that changes me and my life, not just internally but also externally. I want to "see" the change on the inside and the outside. Both/And.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial";"><span style="font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">In this suspended space, I'm learning patience. I'm learning trust and faith. I'm learning to be humble, kinder, more loving, compassionate and forgiving of myself and others. I'm learning to let myself off the hook of "doing" and allow myself to just BE. The waiting feels like an eternity - "the never-ending story" of "nothingness" and "no change" - and it's easy to lose faith when I know it's only "up to me" (and my HP). Nobody else can "do" the "doing" or the changing for me. I also can't change others. It's definitely not easy but the paradox is that the part of me that has carried me through from day one, the part that never gives up and trusts and has complete faith in a power greater than me to carry me through will keep my feet to the fire, keep me humble, and will show me when to take action and when to rest and just be. "Me and my HP" will get me through. It's always been that way and it always will be.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial";"><span style="font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">It's a noble thing to be a warrior and to survive. The true warrior also knows when to surrender. That's the part I'm learning to trust now. </span></span><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">š</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05946056713905428497noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7848167152677731015.post-31372885010847515322018-10-03T09:41:00.001-07:002018-10-03T09:41:59.387-07:00You Have All the Time You Need<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguEFfSjy-2gxPKQ3jXNaVfuhIWoaY3Y3ZrUr1S8m4jQBeVg_tqgnKFQFLWJbLHtKqYxFVmwj1oZwH2xkEb-SiAw6MyqUH-nVDCvD8rwfgaU48KUZqswXh6ZUSTosH630dCYhKW8QQTZCcf/s1600/Owl+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="540" data-original-width="960" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguEFfSjy-2gxPKQ3jXNaVfuhIWoaY3Y3ZrUr1S8m4jQBeVg_tqgnKFQFLWJbLHtKqYxFVmwj1oZwH2xkEb-SiAw6MyqUH-nVDCvD8rwfgaU48KUZqswXh6ZUSTosH630dCYhKW8QQTZCcf/s320/Owl+.jpg" width="320" /></a><i><b>A year ago today I penned this piece for a FB post. It feels so timely (pun intended!) to share today. How do we move through time without fear and with grace? We BREATHE.</b></i></div>
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Once a night owl, always a night owl but that only applies to waking and sleeping hours. It has nothing to do with productivity; at least not anymore. I can't buy back "lost time" in the midnight hours any longer. Back in the day, nighttime hours (after 9 pm) were my most productive time at home even after working a 40+ hr/wk job. Now, no matter what else needs to be done, I'M DONE by 8 or 9 pm. I may not be ready to sleep but I'm "clocked out".</div>
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A curse of aging or a blessing of wisdom? They say with age comes wisdom. One can only hope. Who needs to be working all day and night, right?! Why then, does it always feel like I'm a day late and a dollar short, as they say, still caught up in the pressure cooker of time, never "caught up" and I feel the pressure to keep doing? The best I can figure is it's old conditioning, driven by fear and a harsh inner critic and a crazy culture that places more value on productivity than stopping to smell the roses.</div>
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At my age now I tend to feel like I'm living on borrowed time. Not being maudlin here - it's a simple fact. I've lived more than 50% of my life now, even if I live to be 100. Local and world events of violence, war, natural catastrophes, disease, and death remind me that every moment is precious. Every moment counts. I want to savor them and not waste them caught up in a pressure cooker of time and "doing". I want to BE present in each moment, whether that's chopping wood/carrying water or riding a spiritual wave of bliss or ordinary playfulness.</div>
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Many years ago a very dear friend of mine looked into my eyes, held my hands and said to me at a very tender moment of personal breakdown, "You have all the time you need". I wept with tears of relief. No one had ever said that to me before and I've never forgotten it. I had felt nothing but the pressure of "not enough" in every way my entire life. It was hard to believe and even today I can doubt it but something healed in me in that moment that I am forever grateful for.</div>
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Now I say it to myself. Funny how it always magically seems to create more time and space.</div>
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There's no rush. There's no pressure. There's no one judging me. I'm right on time. I have all the time I need. I'm living one day at a time on Divine time.</div>
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And then I BREATHE.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05946056713905428497noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7848167152677731015.post-22931808002095256932018-09-16T23:40:00.000-07:002018-09-17T10:14:02.288-07:00When I'm 64...(the real Truth)<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, system-ui, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
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<i>āLooking back, Iām awed by the way that embracing everything - from what I got right to what I got wrong - invites the grace of wholeness. When psychologist Florida Scott-Maxwell was eight-five, she wrote, āYou need only claim the events of your life to make yourself yours. </i><i>When you truly possess all you have been and done . . . you are fierce with reality.</i></div>
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<i>Fierce with reality is how I feel when Iām able to say, āI am that to which I gave short shrift and that to which I attended. I am my descents into darkness and my rising again into the light, my betrayals and my fidelities, my failures and my successes. I am my ignorance and my insight, my doubts and my convictions, my fears and my hopes.</i></div>
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<i>Wholeness does not mean perfection - it means embracing brokenness as an integral part of life. Iām grateful for this truth as age leads me to look back on the zigzagging, up-and-down path Iāve hacked out during my far-from-perfect life.</i></div>
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<i>What I know for sure is this: we come from mystery and we return to mystery. I know this, too: standing closer to the reality of death awakens my wonder at the many gifts of life.ā </i></div>
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<i>~ </i><i style="background-color: transparent;">Parker J. Palmer, āOn the Brink of Everything. Grace, Gravity & Getting Oldā</i></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent;">š </span>š š</div>
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Iād like to think Iām about 20 yrs too early for a book like this - Parker J. Palmer is 80 yrs old at the time of this bookās writing and release this year - but the truth is, it couldnāt have been more timely in its arrival for me. Eight days ago I turned 64. My husband saw the book on the kitchen counter with birthday cards and he laughed heartily and asked me very seriously who would be so cruel as to give me a book like that for my birthday! I laughed in return and said, āI gave it to myself! No cruelty involved! I bought it on an intuitive nudge and itās the best gift Iāve given myself in a long time.ā</div>
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I've never feared death (still don't) and Iāve always looked forward to my birthdays acknowledging that if I didnāt have another birthday Iād be dead and simply being alive is surely worth celebrating no matter what the circumstances of my life happen to be with each birthday.</div>
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Each decade has brought with it its own unique flavor of change, challenges, growth and wisdom and as the years ticked by I learned to look forward to the new adventure of a new decade beginning. I savored each one and all the highs and lows that have come with them made the journey worth living and marked a unique path I could call 'my own'. I always felt younger than my chronological years and I always felt like I still had time (well, most of the time!)...for whatever Iām supposed to accomplish in this lifetime (which remains a mystery to this day). Even 60, 61, and 62 were fairly easy on me comparatively, but deep down something shifted for me with the start of this decade in a way that it never had before and it wouldnāt let me rest.</div>
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The idea of turning 64 this year felt like 84 and I found myself doing some serious soul searching. Thereās lots of reasons for that - depression, anxiety, chronic illness, unrelenting stress, overwhelm, isolation, existential angst, dread and urgency, just to name a few of the "darker" visitors. Perhaps a sense of mortality is creeping in knowing that Iām beyond the halfway mark of my life now and I pondered, if Iām feeling this at 64, whatās it going to feel like when Iām 70 or 80, if I live that long (or even longer)? I āsoul searchā all.the.time (often to a fault)ā¦.and no one takes my inventory better or harsher than I do. I was going down hard this year and for the first time ever I didnāt really want to celebrate another birthday. I felt tired, old, wasted, unworthy and running out of time. I truly felt "on the brink"...of life and death. Donāt worry, I wasnāt suicidal but to be honest, living felt way too hard. I was, however, āgiving upā...which ultimately (thankfully) became true surrender which is where miracles come from.</div>
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And then, through Grace and Divine intervention, āhelpā came my way through various resources - holistic, spiritual, energetic, medical, my āinner physicianā and THIS BOOK! Friends, I was truly changed and lifted up by just reading the Prologue and the first chapter and I canāt wait to read the rest. It's a short book but Iām taking my time with it because I want to savor and really integrate each section and each chapter. It feels like balm to my soul as he speaks my own heartās Truth. </div>
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The veil of darkness continued to lift and I made another shift just in time to celebrate my birthday with a sense of true joy, love and gratitude.</div>
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<span style="font-family: , , , ".sfnstext-regular" , sans-serif;">āFierce with realityā is where I needed to land and where I choose to BE as I choose to age grace-fully and consciously. Parker J Palmer said it all perfectly for me. He feels like a kindred soul to me. He gets the dark and the light, not just through platitudes or repetitions but through his LIVING IT.</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i style="color: #1d2129; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, system-ui, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b>"Her Universe to Create" <br />by Sean Corner Sculptures, Wichita K </b></span></i>ā</td></tr>
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My soul lit up with his words, reflections and poetry and I had a wonderful birthday - perhaps the best one ever simply because I āgot itā...in a whole new way. Mind you, his wisdom and truth is really not new to me - on principle, itās been the foundation of my own spiritual path, teachings and belief system for most of my adult life - and yet the way he said it made it feel brand new and made ME feel brand new too. Ahh, thatās the hallmark of a great poet, writer and teacher. I needed to hear the tried and true and timeless wisdom in a new and fresh way and there it was.</div>
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Iām back. Back on track. Here for the duration and embracing it all. Fierce with reality and facing life with an open, forgiving and compassionate heart. I donāt want to live in the transpersonal spiritual world...I can go there easily enough and I do want to embody the wisdom that's there, but I want to bring it down to earth. I want to live a life thatās Fierce with Reality by bringing Spirit into Matter through Practical living. Practical magic. Practical mysteries. Bridging duality. Collaboration! Itās really all one and the same. Weāre the ones who create the separation.</div>
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<i>āThe laws of nature that dictate sundown dictate our demise. But how we travel the arc toward the sunset of our lives is ours to choose: will it be denial, defiance, or collaboration?ā - Parker J. Palmer, āOn the Brink of Everything. Grace, Gravity & Getting Oldā</i></div>
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A BIG BONUS: three essays in this book are accompanied by songs written and performed by the gifted singer-songwriter Carrie Newcomer in response to themes in those essays. All three songs can be downloaded free of charge at <a data-ft="{"tn":"-U"}" data-lynx-mode="async" href="https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2FNewcomerPalmer.com%2Fhome&h=AT0lNU0bvU5YpTsmKpHVk11rpm2aWyRffqlyQNzQBkVlfhEys93Oj2dvA3zkfEet348dGKWakWmKzBTfG8Vpjd3acfJwtGBYBCjnytdQko6XeioSkVxLycPGyARs__mxMmtI2gJ72LaCmTtpG4n6AQLk2R96zutaxgNZQZ_588WAEqVZkbtSmm0ax6VW66025yXDKgPnuNxuDtSVmUW8HMhIRWsObfLyoBYWT57EVCCbYl4KutEMyJdQGK3HYjxoDBj6KFxM5CVztmY3-E-E36ztLsl-FfneLcvrR1Mj8PHT-CwZMx-fy2AT622yLQ9FlEfJIz_MVeRrV9qC9-OaDd1eh1JMTn9QoLTVRu7J4K1k30D6cHj95UVwRFn4F9EbMExtE55wN6S8ARxOxrNI5rsJRV7iOpPc7BW1of7zqlkN-yK1Sg" rel="noopener nofollow" style="color: #365899; cursor: pointer; font-family: inherit; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">NewcomerPalmer.com/home</a>.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05946056713905428497noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7848167152677731015.post-15020658024964510492018-06-10T10:14:00.000-07:002018-06-10T10:14:36.547-07:00Dig Deeper! <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i><b><a href="https://twitter.com/JeriHeartsong">We will rot away if we try to take a shortcut along the path </a></b></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i><b><a href="https://twitter.com/JeriHeartsong">to creating more space for something new and beautiful to emerge. </a></b></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://twitter.com/JeriHeartsong"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i><b>When itās Time, itās do or die.</b></i></span><i style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b> Itās do AND die - </b></i></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://twitter.com/JeriHeartsong"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i><b>the old layers that are asking to be cleared by our ādoingā </b></i></span><i style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>have already ādiedā. </b></i></a></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://twitter.com/JeriHeartsong">It's time for renewal</a></span></b></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">June 10, 2013<br /><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>Funny thing, I thought I was finished raking the leaves out of the hedge bed in preparation for this yearās spring mulching. Iāll admit my time was limited and my typical perfectionism about paying close attention to detail was quite pleasantly on retreat. Contrary to my typical Virgo-Capricorn nature, Iād had a rare and rather freeing thought that I could just leave behind what was very hidden from view in between the hedges and deep underneath in the gnarly branches and in the recesses, making sure I did a good job in the front, around, behind and underneath just far enough to where the eye can see. After all, thereās nothing inherently wrong with leaving leaves behind. Left alone they decompose quite naturally and make great mulch themselves. I figured if I donāt see it (which I really didnāt), then no one else will. I felt good about the job I did and looked forward to coming back the next day to mulch it and make it all pretty.<br /><br />Ahhh, but nature is our messenger and teacher and reminds us of many things! During the night we had a nice drenching spring rain with a little wind. So, the next day, when I went back out to mulch I noticed that quite a few leaves had been disturbed by the rainstorm and floated up from underneath and were now resting on top of the hedges. No big deal, I can just shake those off. Then, as I stood back to get an overall view and perspective of where I needed to mulch, and then, as I stooped to spread mulch in front and underneath, suddenly everything that Iād left behind yesterday in the deep, invisible spaces was VERY visible to my naked eye today.<br /><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>Just like life, I thought. Layers and layers reveal themselves and beg for our attention just when we thought we were all done and ready for the next step. What I didnāt see yesterday is suddenly staring me in the face.<br /><br />I felt the heaviness descend upon me as I surrendered to accepting a more challenging task than I thought was mine for this day. I began raking deeper into the roots of the bushes and clearing the small pathways between them that keep them separate enough from each other as their own bush and yet on the surface they connect enough to appear as if they are one long singular unbroken hedge. I pondered the symbolism here of the āindividual and the oneā and how we really do need to keep our own roots and the pathways between each other clear and free so that we can then reach up higher and share a unified connection together to create more beauty, ease and grace in the overall flow. <br /><br />As I worked, I thought about how many times we dig in and get dirty and give it all weāve got, in the time we can, with the energy weāve got, and the birds-eye view and perspective of the moment to clean up and pretty up the parts of us that are the most obvious to us and most easily seen by others. How many times do we walk away feeling satisfied and confident that āweāre done with thatā. Why canāt we just leave whatever residue might still be hiding in those dark, wet, molding spaces and places in between the roots and the gnarly branches that no one wants to get close to or look at anyway? Why canāt we just cover it up with something fresh and pretty and just let it rest in hiding until it rots away?<br /><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>Because we will rot away if we try to take a shortcut along the way to creating more space for something new and beautiful to emerge. When itās time, itās do or die. Itās do AND die - the old layers that are asking to be cleared by our ādoingā have already ādiedā. Itās time for renewal.<br /><br />One way or another whatās hidden, dead or dying will rise to the surface and ask for our attention. Something unexpected from inside or outside of us may come along to stir it up. Maybe a storm; maybe a gentle rain to cleanse it and make it more malleable; maybe a little wind or a lot of wind to move it around and leave a trail.<br /><br />And wouldnāt you know, because we really did a good job clearing what we could see or we were willing or able to clear the first time around, we created just enough room and space for the next layer to float up to the surface. Once we start the process, thereās no turning back. So we get to go back in again, dig even deeper, and create an even more open and fresh space for the next new layer of beauty to shine through.<br /><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>So that pile of leaves in this picture is what I raked up or hand-picked from the deep, dark, gnarly recessed crevices of the hedge-bed and itās roots today. Itās not a very big pile really - not nearly as big as the day before - but it had a big message for me:<br /><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><br /><i>Life is a many-layered thing. You donāt see the layers until youāre ready to see. All the elements in time and space, nature and nurture, heaven and earth conspire together to bring each layer into your visibility in your most unique and divine timing according to your vision and perceptions. Your efforts are always good enough. There is no failure in yesterdayās efforts because there was āmoreā left behind. Today is not better than yesterday because you went even deeper and it was harder and messier and now itās even cleaner than yesterday. Every day is perfect when you view it in the moment from right where you are. When you tend to what is visible right now with awareness, action, commitment, care, and humility and you remain willing to go back again and again and dig deeper, itās always good enough. As many times as the leaves reveal themselves to you, you say āI see you ~ thank you for showing yourself to me ~ I will release you nowā ~ and you go back and you dig deeper. Remember, every single leaf does not ask to be cleared - some will choose to remain behind and become the mulch naturally, organically; others will reveal themselves and ask to be appreciated, acknowledged and removed to make space for the new. Both ways are gifts and You will know how deep to go and when if you are looking and listening from an open heart and a quiet mind [and offering it all to the Divine]. </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">#spiralpath #renewal #doordie #divinetiming #cyclesoflife #cyclesofchange #rebirth </span></div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05946056713905428497noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7848167152677731015.post-11039420673309133272014-11-05T22:15:00.000-08:002014-11-06T07:55:21.859-08:00Grieve <div style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302948px; line-height: 17.5636348724365px; margin-bottom: 6px; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px;"><i>"Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life's search for love and wisdom." ~ Rumi</i></span><span style="color: black; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></div>
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For the first time ever, or that I can recall anyway, as I stare at the wilted, frozen, dead flowers and plants in the pots on my deck and I look up at the trees that were rich and vibrant in their autumn hues of oranges and golds just a week or so ago and are now nearly barren, stark, colorless, and cold I'm feeling a deep, deep sadness and grief. I feel as if I somehow failed in protecting them and keeping them alive even though I know they've done their part, I've done mine, and they must go through their own natural cycle of life and death. I remind myself I can't save anyone or anything but myself. I remind myself spring always follows winter.</div>
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Normally, I go with the flow of the seasons and of letting go, of death and darkness and trust in rebirth with a knowing acceptance, appreciation and respect for the cycles of change. I will get there again in time but for now I'm acutely aware of how deep the well of grief is that I feel around loss and heartbreak of hopes and dreams right now, collectively and personally. Most assuredly, on the heels of the mid-term election and the "red wave" across the country and my own state choosing to continue to be run and destroyed from the inside out through extreme right wing governing, the politics of our country causes me deep despair. This despair is not because I need to be right or be in power or fight against another to prove myself. I don't want to fight anybody. This is because I love and care deeply for my family, my fellow man, for our country, for our earth and for our children and the generations yet to come. I'm deeply concerned about how far to the extreme right we've gone and what consequences we will suffer as we go from here until we finally reach a breakthrough. Yes, breakdowns lead to breakthroughs. We are still breaking down and the breakthrough could be our total demise. Time will tell where we go from here and how or if we will survive it. Those who insist on living in fear, choosing greed and power for power's sake, and casting the blame on the innocent are now in charge and there will be no one to point their fingers at any longer. They will be pointing back at themselves and their fists of power will be self-imploding. I take no pleasure in that. I don't need someone else to fail in order to create success. But there are those who only know that way. I will do the only thing I can do which is continue to stand strong for what I believe in which is "humanity, love and peace".</div>
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The breakdown of our world, of our country, of families and society, of our physical bodies, of our planet earth...all of it seems to be crashing in at once in my heart and soul and around me and for the first time ever the harbinger of winter feels ominous, disheartening and heart-breaking. I don't think I've ever really grieved for winter and all the beauty and hopes and dreams that die with it. But death is real, it happens every day and grief and grieving cleanses the soul of the loss and pain of death. I guess it's my time and my turn to grieve. Perhaps it's our time to grieve again as a nation. Marianne Williamson said this today and it hit home for me: "Note to progressives: Don't panic. Grieve. Only then can we discover what really went wrong and gain the wisdom to make things right." So grieve I shall. If I don't it will just get stuck in my heart and I will become bitter and it will get hung up in my throat and I will lose my voice completely. I've worked too long and too hard to move past fear, to finally open my heart and speak my voice. There's no turning back for me, no matter how broken-hearted I am. As our Native Americans have said in their great wisdom, "The soul would have no rainbows if the eyes had no tears". Surely my tears will help build a rainbow. </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05946056713905428497noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7848167152677731015.post-53955294987399049042014-09-20T12:01:00.000-07:002014-09-20T21:03:32.349-07:00If not now, when? <div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">I turned 60 on September 8th </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17.25px; white-space: pre-wrap;">and I've been celebrating since the 20th of August.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Some of you followed this journey with me on my Facebook page and know that it began with a gift offered to me ~ a solo ocean retreat in a lovely, private condo on Longboat Key, Florida. This was a long-standing, open invitation I'd been given from a dear friend that, for many reasons, I'd never been able to give myself permission to accept. I love birthdays and I'd never had issues with any of my other "decade" birthdays but this one was different. I felt the weight of it hit me hard at the start of the new year - "</span><i style="color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">omg, I'm turning 60 this year" </i><span style="color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">and </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">I had been lost in deep reflection from that moment on. As it came closer and I felt into the urgency of the passage of time, regrets and uncertainties that was consuming me as well as the depths of my exhaustion, I couldn't stop thinking about my friend's offer. It seems the universe was listening and guiding. Without my prompting she reached out to let me know some dates were open in August or October. I felt the usual overwhelm of traveling and guilt take over and yet I also knew I had to pay attention. </span><br />
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<i style="color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">"If not now, when?"</i><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Indeed that was the million dollar question underneath all the angst and heaviness with this life review on the threshold of 60 years. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">"<i>What have I done with my life so far? What is left to do? Will I do it? Am I doing it? What the hell is mine to do? What am I waiting for?"</i></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">I had no answers except this: <i>"Just be you. Have more fun. Laugh more. Love more. Love yourself more. Live in the here and now. Just be you."</i> </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ok. Clique and easier said than done but this heaviness about turning 60 is all about facing my mortality and not wasting precious moments dwelling on the past or the future but being fully present right now, so... </span><br />
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<i style="color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17.25px; white-space: pre-wrap;">If not now, when, right?</i><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">That meant I had to </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17.25px; white-space: pre-wrap;">let go of all logic, all guilt, and cast my fate to the wind. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">I silenced my judging, fearful, ego-mind just long enough to reach out to my girlfriend to discuss the dates she offered. Not surprisingly, everything started to just fall into place. With her encouragement and my husband's, I said yes, and I booked my flight. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">The ever increasing anxiety, doubts and negative self-talk I felt and heard inside as the time came closer and closer for me to leave felt a lot like how it often feels when I've said yes to surrendering to a shamanic breathwork or a healing intensive that my ego knows will be a game changer for personal transformation. The mind is a terrible master and the ego does not want me to change because it knows it will lose its place in its hierarchy of power when I do. I couldn't have imagined what magic and healing was waiting for me on the other side of that ocean retreat; my first "real" vacation in so many years I've lost count and the first one ever ALONE. No work, no training, no family, no responsibilities to anyone or anything; just the ocean, nature and me. No wonder my ego was worried! </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">It would prove to be a turning point for me to deepen and embrace a change of perspective that I've understood intellectually for a long time and touched into in my heart a time or two but one that lingers and lurks hidden in the dark shadows of a harsh inner judge and sneaks up on me when I least expect it. Once I was all alone and quiet, with nature reflecting me back to me all around me, I finally found the inner peace to answer some of the questions I was asking of myself. The mere fact that I could be alone with myself like this and be completely content was evidence enough for me to see myself in a new way, appreciate who I am, where I've come from, what I've done, what I've not done, and relax into the "not-knowing where I'm going" place that can so often send me into fear and hopelessness. The threshold I crossed was </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17.25px; white-space: pre-wrap;">the fear of being alone, the illusion of feeling separate, and the angst that </span><i style="color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17.25px; white-space: pre-wrap;">"it's too late"</i><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17.25px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> and I relaxed into the deeper heart-mind space of love and truth that "</span><i style="color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17.25px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'm right on time"</i><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17.25px; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>I could be completely alone with me. I could just be me. It was enough.</i></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was enraptured and in complete awe of the beauty and power of the ocean and the interconnectedness of nature and the elements. I blogged each day with photos and short stories or blurbs on my Facebook page. I was filled up. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">It was almost too much beauty and magic for me to contain and </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">I believe we're here to inspire and remind each other of the magic and the beauty that surrounds us every day yet is so easily taken for granted. Doing so also helped me integrate the experiences each day which were very </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17.25px; white-space: pre-wrap;">deeply personal, </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">symbolic, shamanic, and healing for me. So I took a little time in the morning or at the end of each day to write and share.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">I hope to eventually gather all my photos and writings and put them into a scrapbook form, in one place, so I can appreciate the bigger picture of it, but for now it's still weaving together in bits and pieces, moments and memories, re-telling its story, and you're meeting me right here, right now, slightly on the other side of 60. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17.25px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'm really missing the ocean today but I know it's deeply embedded in my cells now and I find I can just close my eyes and I'm there. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">It feels fitting (and it was unintentional) that I'm finally posting this blog today, exactly one month from when this all began. Yes, it's a long blog - it's really two blogs in one - and it's taken me a week to come to grips with that and not hold back. It's hard to contain a month of magic around a milestone passage in life into just a few short paragraphs. Well, at least it is for me! I've been obsessing over it but today it's clear, it's time to just release it and let it go.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">What follows below is a copy of my writing from earlier this week with my thoughts and a few pics of this month-long celebration of crossing this magical threshold of age, hopefully having done so with some grace and a little wisdom on the side ...</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitUSTbbb0HSYUtmZOBr5xq3XT99dua4cjbFPq-IBYNDj_DF6zvpi_lJJIeoQn1VxEYtIM8i82vqbj-1GBXs_Z7BZsGJ3lcuITS7EVDGP2FwXsxJMxI60w4pDaco5TtmnmmBNGDOBMP781d/s1600/Kundalini+Sunshine+on+the+water+Florida+2014.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitUSTbbb0HSYUtmZOBr5xq3XT99dua4cjbFPq-IBYNDj_DF6zvpi_lJJIeoQn1VxEYtIM8i82vqbj-1GBXs_Z7BZsGJ3lcuITS7EVDGP2FwXsxJMxI60w4pDaco5TtmnmmBNGDOBMP781d/s1600/Kundalini+Sunshine+on+the+water+Florida+2014.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">9/16/14 ~ <i>"Just slightly on the other side of 60"</i></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My 77, soon-to-be 78 year old, spunky Mama Gayle hit the road headed back to ND this morning and with her departure I feel the energy around my 60th birthday settling down now. Itās been almost a month of celebration for this milestone birthday and even though I believe every day is meant to be a celebration, birthdays are that one special, personal holi-day that belongs to each individual soul. This has been the best and longest birthday celebration Iāve ever had!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">So here I am at 60! Nothing fake or fixed except my hair color! Iām not ready to go white yet even though itās been there in waiting for a really long time now! Iām proud of every wrinkle I have and grateful for every one that I donāt! I feel old and new, the same and different, all at once. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">A 10 day private/solo Florida Keys retreat/vacation with breathtaking sunsets, rainbows, storms, walks on the ocean beach, treasures of fighting conch shells rescued and returned to the sea, stones, blue heron, pelican and tern feathers, and shells to keep, dolphins swimming; magical sacred messengers from the land, sea and air, all set the stage for the best birthday ever. </span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">On day 7 my dear girlfriend arrived. After espresso's on the deck as we saloned in the morning with the sound of the ocean and dolphins feeding and swimming as our backdrop, and after I had my daily walk on the beach, she </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17.25px; white-space: pre-wrap;">took me out in a fast and fancy sports car and </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">wined and dined me in the best restaurants in the area. We had a spa day and we shared lots of heart to heart girl talk while also giving ourselves our own time and space to </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>just be. </i></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17.25px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I felt the bridge between worlds and the "both/and" expanding and deepening within me even more. I can be fully with me while in the company of others when I am at deep peace and content in being in relationship with myself. Here's a pic she took of me and captioned by her as we watched an exquisite sunset after a storm while waiting to dine in regal style at the infamous Beach Bistro.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Something changed deep within me during that time that I have no words for except to say that it was a ācoming homeā for me like Iāve never felt before. A photo collage using three of my photos from my ocean retreat, created and gifted to me by one of my best friends and photographer/artist with this caption captures the essence of it all beautifully:</span></div>
<i><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.7272720336914px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></i>
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<i><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.7272720336914px; line-height: 18px;">"Dolphin watching, beach treasures and breathless sunsets. </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.7272720336914px; line-height: 18px;">A mighty fine way to celebrate 60 trips around the sun".</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.7272720336914px; line-height: 18px;"> </span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Three days after getting home from my ocean retreat my mom arrived. How blessed am I that my mom could be with me to celebrate such a milestone birthday. On my birthday I was showered with an abundance of beautiful, forever-blooming, fragrant flowers from family and friends (most are still in bloom a week later), a fabulously fun party, cards that roasted & toasted me, my baby books & scrapbooks passed on to me, special gifts commemorating my ocean retreat from my three besties, a faerie ring in my very own back yard with a full Harvest moon exact on my birthday, and FB birthday wishes galore! All this and more graced me on and around my birthday, including the joy of a wedding in our circle of lifelong friends and the heartbreak of loss and grief saying goodbye to two beloved family pets, all within 72 hrs. Yes. Life is like that. And being humbled by that and in awe and acceptance of that is what itās like to be 60.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We all know age is a relative thing and whether 60 is the new 40 or 50 or whatever, is really beside the point. Itās really not about age at all. Itās about the acceptance that life happens, it is what it is, and itās about how we show up for it. Itās about cultivating greater self-awareness, discernment of priorities and deal breakers, commitment to integrity and honesty, becoming more compassionate and staying humble and teachable as we stand in our courage and strength to face it all and continue to grow ourselves up no matter what. One thing is for certain at 60 - you really start thinking seriously and differently about life when you realize youāve lived more years than you have left even if you live to be a hundred. That shifts oneās perspective very quickly. Life is ever-changing, ebbs and flows, dark and light, death and birth, no matter how old we are. I havenāt landed anywhere yet and I donāt believe Iām supposed to land anywhere. Iām here for the ride. Thereās a whole new feel to this decade and I think/I hope/I believe/I have faith Iām ready for it. </span><br />
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<i style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">If not now, when?</i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Iāve decided one of two things happen at 60: we either accept and embrace it with grace and love and allow the flood gates (ie, our hearts) to open up even more or we resist it with fear, bitterness, judgments, resentments, regrets and close them. When we do the latter thatās when we start growing old.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">I choose to keep the flood gates open and believe me itās all been flooding in more than ever before. I canāt think of a better way to paint a picture of ālife at 60ā and answer the question "how does it feel to be 60" than to be in the throes of releasing, receiving, celebration, grief, gratitude, appreciation, connection, separation and opening the heart even more through love, laughter, joy and loss. In the space of 72 hours I experienced the loss of two beloved fur companions in the family, a wedding and my own milestone birthday. Being alone with the ocean and in nature for 10 days and becoming one with the ocean waves, ebbs and flows, storms, rainbows, sunsets, birds, shells, white sandy beaches and me, prepared me for this intense time. I simply rode the waves of all of it as it came, I still am and thatās what Iāll continue to do, one day at a time. Thatās all thatās ever asked of us really. Just be present with what is, moment to moment, with humble gratitude and an open heart and willingness to grow from it all. Thereās no past to dwell on; no future to worry about where weāre going. We never arrive anywhere really. As the saying goes, itās the journey not the destination.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">So one last toast and cheers to me at 60 and to you, whatever age You are! Here's to Us! Hereās to the journey! Thanks for being my companion. Together we make it happen and make it all worthwhile. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfu46beiSJ2vlY1ZBcQpIp0ghFwZOykICHW_xtP1LkSga4Dg-SaVCgE9POUYzTmNXbbNKisBsLHm4OtKMvw9YDLiu3cZejQqwIO85CkZwjfMXVU6HTGgVifCX-GIXti29dW5tgq8v_wwPy/s1600/ocean+hues+and+clouds.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfu46beiSJ2vlY1ZBcQpIp0ghFwZOykICHW_xtP1LkSga4Dg-SaVCgE9POUYzTmNXbbNKisBsLHm4OtKMvw9YDLiu3cZejQqwIO85CkZwjfMXVU6HTGgVifCX-GIXti29dW5tgq8v_wwPy/s1600/ocean+hues+and+clouds.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFolTd8vfbNxCMn_pxjOkNaIwTqsuyFa05FbvmUbHHL2riiZTADWd-VPHvWZWLQgobToSLkfVWBA8URV4lcGPhxvH9CSCz_3prUKfNBVFXuH5OxxFhoTb7EQAwXUE6K8H56myFm9sHY7dR/s1600/earth_angel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFolTd8vfbNxCMn_pxjOkNaIwTqsuyFa05FbvmUbHHL2riiZTADWd-VPHvWZWLQgobToSLkfVWBA8URV4lcGPhxvH9CSCz_3prUKfNBVFXuH5OxxFhoTb7EQAwXUE6K8H56myFm9sHY7dR/s1600/earth_angel.jpg" height="256" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;"><b>Make Peace with Yourself</b></span></div>
<br style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;">Today, in the intensity of this emotional Super Full Moon in Aquarius with its tense aspects to Saturn, I am feeling deep sadness. Underneath the layers of sadness (global and personal) are deep feelings of dis</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;">appointment in myself...on all levels of life from the simplest every day task to a more global Aquarian (rising here) perspective of "how am I really contributing to this world"??? Yes, I know, I know. I know all the memes and spiritual platitudes. Most days they uplift me and some days they sound and feel flat, lifeless, and formless to me. I understand that the desire to be somewhere other than where I am is at the root of my core feelings of disappointment and sadness in myself. This is what the super moon is bringing up for me today. So I'm surrendering and allowing those feelings to be what they are, feeling it all, and doing more gentle, self-inquiry with an intention to remember to love myself through it even if it feels fake.<br /><br />I went searching for some wisdom and comfort outside of my own head and by some sweet grace I found the beautiful picture above and quote below by Wayne Dyer from this blog site: <a href="http://lightworkers.org/blog/175415/make-peace-yourself">http://lightworkers.org/blog/175415/make-peace-yourself </a></span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;"><br /></span>
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;">Yes, it's more platitudes and nothing "new" yet somehow it still spoke to me, quite profoundly. The last paragraph was particularly poignant for me and brings me back to a place in my heart where I can remember to wrap my own arms around myself and appreciate who I am today and to let that be enough. Even in the depths of times of deep sadness and disappointment I am still able to reflect and say that "I am better than I used to be". How can that not be enough? So I am making that my mantra today for making peace with myself once again. It's not an instant cure; deep feelings need time to come and go. I trust that flow and take it in as a balm for a wounded soul. That is enough for today. For that I'm deeply grateful. <i class="_4-k1 img sp_zMF-IQwwaod sx_0bcc23" style="background-image: url(https://fbstatic-a.akamaihd.net/rsrc.php/v2/yZ/r/mi8Vr1NYUKZ.png); background-position: -162px -1040px; background-repeat: no-repeat; background-size: 314px 1094px; display: inline-block; height: 16px; vertical-align: -3px; width: 16px;"></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 13.63636302947998px;">*~* MAKE PEACE WITH YOURSELF *~*</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.63636302947998px;">~ By Dr. Wayne Dyer ~</span></div>
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"You cannot give away what you don't have. If you are not at peace with yourself you cannot give peace away. If you don't give peace away, you will never become an instrument of peace. Make the decision to forgive yourself for all your weaknesses and failures, to let go of your self-destructive guilt over past mistakes and know there was value in your journey through the dark night of your soul.<br />
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When you make peace with yourself you take a hard look at everything you have ever done and you remind yourself that you needed all those experiences in order to provide you with the energy to propel yourself to a higher spiritual frequency. Eventually you acknowledge that virtually every spiritual advance is preceded by a disaster of some kind, and that all of the unwanted events of your life were necessary. Why? Because they occurred, and there are no accidents in this intelligent system we call our universe.<br />
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If you are better than you used to be that is a reason enough to make peace with yourself. All the self-reproach, guilt, disappointment, self-hatred, and anger that you direct at yourself simply take you away from peace."<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW890648SJvoSVnfuD2sY6gc8b51HVq9mRQ4ZmSkXq9G1qMbmtgBzpEjgwBr5UvhllcHAz7sLkt2xzfya9MfjSKIt78g23lLfOH1eMaHrArI9SFuqLf7sgkLxKn_RTeeteRaIXzb9GT2BV/s1600/10592863_10203952023539208_6316940866333172578_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW890648SJvoSVnfuD2sY6gc8b51HVq9mRQ4ZmSkXq9G1qMbmtgBzpEjgwBr5UvhllcHAz7sLkt2xzfya9MfjSKIt78g23lLfOH1eMaHrArI9SFuqLf7sgkLxKn_RTeeteRaIXzb9GT2BV/s1600/10592863_10203952023539208_6316940866333172578_n.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">I am the rock. I am the water. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">I am the light. I am the dark. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">ā„</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Deep peace of the running wave to you.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Deep peace of the flowing air to you.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Deep peace of the shining stars to you.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Deep peace of the infinite peace to you.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">ā„</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05946056713905428497noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7848167152677731015.post-87701004346725218192014-07-13T22:53:00.000-07:002014-07-17T22:30:13.628-07:00Am I Worthy?<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">āAm I worthy of doing what brings me joy, pleasure, and a feeling of fulfillment?ā This is where the rubber meets the road for me every. single. time.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">After I wrote and published my last blog entry on āEmbracing Destinyā earlier this past week I watched myself spin into judgment and give my inner critic the best seat in the house. This time it was not so much the usual judgment about the content or even how long it was. Iāve come to appreciate that some of the most successful and respected authors (in my opinion anyway) are very loquacious with thousands or millions of readers. Iām learning itās really not about that at all even though it seemed that way because Iāve been criticized and felt rejected all my life because of it. The practice of writing this blog, even sporadically, seems to be helping me embrace my own innate loquaciousness without the inner critic being my first ācommenterā with āTLDRā (too long didnāt read). ha! Thatās progress. Facing the fear of being judged and silenced, feeling shamed and rejected by others was my intention for starting to write this blog. Hooray! I can </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">almost</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> give myself a gold star today! ;) </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was in a very inspired, uplifted state, feeling very excited and passionate when I wrote about embracing my destiny in becoming more fearless and the magic of divine timing. Iād stayed up into the wee hours of the morning writing the first draft and then re-visited it the next day with fresh eyes before final edits and the official publishing of it. It took a good part of my day to do that and that was when something deeper and darker began to emerge and reveal itself to me. After publishing it, I spent the rest of my day beating myself up for āwasting my day and not accomplishing anythingā. I flashed on my blog knowing that this was where Iād āspent my timeā that day. Wow. I took a step back and went into deep self-inquiry. I flashed on how much true joy I felt around what Iād experienced and how fun and freeing it was for me to write about it. It had come easily this time even though it was time consuming. I had given myself permission to feel my excitement and joy and to express it all in my own words with abandon. I even gave myself permission to put it out there without lingering fear, doubts or attachments. I was celebrating. And then I turned around and judged it all as a āwaste of timeā. Really?! Whoa. What is that really about?!? Why was all of that inspiration and joy now suddenly such a waste? The answers, more questions and an inner dialogue came quickly...</span></div>
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<i><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because I did it </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">for ME. Just for me. </span></i></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><i><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Writing brings </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">me</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> pleasure. Itās a means of creative expression. It puts my world into perspective </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">for me. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When pleasure, creative expression, communication, connection and a new perspective all come together itās magic for </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">me</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. I feel happy, content, peaceful, fulfilled and āon purposeā.</span></i></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Where is the value in that?
Really?! C'mon now! Joy? Pleasure? Fulfillment? Of course there's value in ALL of that! </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You stayed up too late and just wasted your day writing about it...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ohhhh. I get it...(digging deeper)...this is "about me", isn't it?! This joy, pleasure, and fulfillment is about me, isn't it?!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Am I deserving of all of that? </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Where is the value in ME?</span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have a million other excuses and answers but deep down this is it. This is the ROOT of it all. I got it in spades that day. This is āwhyā I hold back and donāt write for my blog when the inspirations come. This is why I donāt write my own songs. This is why I donāt pick up my guitar or play my harmonium or go to the piano and noodle away and allow my creative voice to come through my own music every day in a playful way. This is why I donāt paint and draw anymore. This is why I donāt spend hours with my beadwork anymore. </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">This is why I choose work over play or I punish myself and hold myself hostage and donāt give myself permission to play or have fun if/when the workās not done or I feel lazy. </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17.25px; white-space: pre-wrap;">This is why I canāt finish clearing the clutter in my home. </span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because when I say yes to all of those, Iām saying </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>āyesā</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">to me. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Where IS the value in ME? </span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A very old, deep, wounded, shadow part of me still believes āI am not deserving. I have no value or worth.ā Another old, deep, wounded part of me also believes that value and worth must be tangible and measurable. Creativity is not a very tangible thing that one can easily measure although its expression makes it more tangible. Those negative thoughts are not really my truth but they are beliefs I've carried. Like many or most of us, I was raised with a strong midwestern work ethic of āwork before playā. Creativity wasnāt a part of my world and by the time I was 5 or 6 years old I was too afraid to break the rules and express it anyway. Itās also deeply embedded in my innate energetic blueprint as a strong Virgo/Capricorn to be that way. Woman or not, in my world the work is never done and Iāve always struggled with giving myself permission to be playful and creative. If Iām not āworkingā in a physical way then Iām āworkingā on myself. All my travels over the years have combined training and studies. I havenāt had a non-working, "real vacationā in so many years I canāt remember the last time. Yes, Iām a hard worker and thatās okay. I came in that way, I value being a hard worker and it has served me well. It just has a tendency to get very out of balance and come out sideways - at me - far too easily. </span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This shadow piece for me of unworthiness is not an epiphany in and of itself. Itās been there with the fear and the shame and the guilt Iāve carried all my life. Itās no coincidence that I just went very deep into healing more layers of guilt and shame in the two weeks preceding this newest awareness of my shadow of unworthiness. Doing that work allowed this next layer of unworthiness to be revealed. I know and understand that this core belief of unworthiness, shame and guilt began for me in the womb, itās in my ancestral lineage and is imprinted in my energetic blueprint from many, many lifetimes before this one. Itās all connected and part of the fear Iām here to overcome. Iāve done years of talk therapy and years of personal healing work through many alternative avenues to face, embrace and heal this wounded part of me. I still do. I always will. I have to. Itās the space I hold for others through the work I do now through my private energetic, shamanic, intuitive, vibrational healing arts practice. But my ability to see in the dark, to see my own shadow and see through the veils </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">is </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">ever changing and I am seeing more layers now of how I re-create this wound and re-wound myself in my everyday thoughts, beliefs, actions, habits and patterns of living. This āseeingā is also progress. Once I see it, I can begin to heal it. The three Aās of recovery come back to me: Awareness, Acceptance, Action. In that order. One day at a time. One layer at a time. </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17.25px; white-space: pre-wrap;">This was just another swoop in the spiral loop, as my beloved teacher, Star Wolf, would say.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Those who know me well know that I deeply value, honor and support my husbandās and childrenās incredible talents, creative expression, and passions unconditionally. The irony is I have struggled all my life to be able to give that back to myself. Itās only natural to give freely to others what we most want for ourselves but even that only goes so far. I know only too well that my own creative vessel must be filled in order for me to give as much as I want to give to others, whether thatās as a mother, wife, healer, singer, friend, daughter, or sister. Iām happy to say I'm getting there in fits and starts and I know Iām blessed to have their full support in return. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Iāve been told so many times over from astrologers, intuitives, and teachers that Iām here to āshare a big message with the worldā and that writing is one of my pathways for sharing. Thatās always been so mystifying to me and I still have no clue whether itās through a blog, a book, my music, all of the above or something else entirely unknown to me. I also feel like time is running out as I am turning 60 this year. Whoa! More blogs to come around that rite of passage! I can feel the ācrone/wisdomā energy moving in powerfully now and hope and pray that with that passage will come some clarity, refinement and direction around fulfilling my destiny. In any event, if what ātheyā say is true about my destiny to share a big message with the world then what I do know today more than ever is that</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i> I wonāt āget thereā (wherever āthereā is) no matter how many years I have left unless I can first value myself enough to value the time and energy it takes to put into bringing the creative expression of that message, whatever it is, into form, in my own unique way. </i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Words make life tangible. Music makes life tangible. Beaded amulets and pieces of art make life tangible. And yes, even a clutter-free, lovingly tended home, inside and out, becomes a sacred, creative expression and makes life tangible. The latter may not be near as much fun in the process of creating it but itās just as important to someone like me. The mundane is just as sacred as the mystical.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As long as I hold back from writing, singing, being playful, having more fun, and creating the kind of home environment that frees up the space for me to "be me" and to create in, I will continue to hold on to the belief somewhere unconsciously that I have no value or worth. Itās a way that I self-sabotage my own success, happiness and my own destiny. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The diamond in the rough was shining brightly that day when I realized that the greatest purpose behind my writing a blog or whatever I write is not about the message I may or may not be sharing with the world or fulfilling any predicted destiny as a āwriterā. The purpose itās serving is to </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>open up the space for me to really see myself,</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> to</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> show up</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">just for me, to really dig deep and find my own value and worth in what I see, what I have to say and what I want to create.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This means I must value myself in all my forms and ways of expression and showing up every day - tangible or not - because </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am here to become my own best creative expression and to have fun and feel fulfilled by doing just that. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The rest is just fluff, as they say. </span></div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05946056713905428497noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7848167152677731015.post-16295651249869662652014-07-08T10:00:00.000-07:002014-07-11T14:29:02.175-07:00Embracing Destiny<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 19.799999237060547px; padding: 10px 0px 0px;">
<em><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">ā</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><b>Between man and God there are two paths: The path of fate and the path of destiny. Those who will give distance to their destiny shall fall into the path of fate. When you walk on the path of fate, you may feel very happy and be an egomaniac, but when the fatal moment comes - you will be lost again. When you walk on the path of destiny, it doesnāt matter what distance you cover. When the fatal blow of death comes, you shall be liberated. That is the difference.ā</b></span></em></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><b>-Yogi Bhajan from <em>Success and the Spirit: An Aquarian Path to Abundance</em></b></span></div>
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;">I became a student of kundalini yoga a little over two years ago this spring and it has been my saving grace and a powerful teacher and guide. I still consider myself very much a novice and I continue to marvel at the magic of it all. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;"><br /></span>
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;">I love that the path, teachings and focus of kundalini yoga is a spiritual one and the body follows the heart as the mind surrenders and a heart-mind connection is created. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;">I love how simple it can be yet deeply challenging, how powerful it always is and how quickly it shifts the energy. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;">I love the kriyas with the combination of very specific, focused and continuous breathing patterns, mudras, chanting and meditation. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;"><br /></span>
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;">My discipline and commitment has naturally waxed and waned and I find it easier to keep up a practice or discipline in a class/group setting than privately at home for most things in life and especially yoga; yet surprisingly I was guided to commit to a solo (global/online was the 'community/classroom') 40 day sadhana within the first 6 months of beginning my practice. The energy of that sadhana was called "Releasing Fear and Becoming a Conscious Leader" and <i>Aadays Tisai Aadays</i> was our mantra and kriya. I knew fear was holding me back from becoming a conscious leader in my life but little did I really know how profoundly so. Through a series of very synchronistic connections after a yoga class I requested my spiritual name through the 3HO.org website. Nirinjan Kaur, Yogi Bhajan's Chief of Staff, was trained personally by him for over thirty years in his method of determining names. It is based on one's birth date, numerology, and meditation with the Siri Guru Granth Sahib sacred text. Before his death in 2004, Yogi Bhajan gave his blessings to Nirinjan to continue his work of giving names to those who request them. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;">Expecting it to take up to 2 weeks to arrive, quite auspiciously on the 3rd day of that sadhana I received my spiritual name: "Nirbhao" (pronounced "near-bo"). I learned that Nirbhao means "fearless" and in this tradition one's spiritual name is symbolic of your spiritual or soul identity. It's a roadmap to one's destiny. It's a rebirth in consciousness. I cried all day the day I received my spiritual name because I'd never felt so seen and understood on such a deep, soul and spiritual level as I did through the energy of that name and the destiny it carries. Everything in my life suddenly made sense to me. No wonder I grew up in an angry home that fostered judgment and fear rather than love. No wonder I have been paralyzed in life by my fears and especially by the fear of failure and of being seen, judged harshly and rejected for who I am. Overcoming fear is not just what I'm here to do because I'm a human being, it's my personal destiny! Not only did I feel the challenge of overcoming my intense and paralyzing fears was validated and understood but for the very first time I was able to look back at my life and recognize when and how many times I had already been courageous and fearless in the face of my fears. I'd already survived a lot and I wasn't a total failure after all. I've been living my destiny successfully all along. Being able to appreciate the glass half-full instead of half-empty and see the courage and strength in myself from a place of love from within me for myself was an incredible, healing and humbling moment and gift. I've done a lot of deep, personal healing work and been held in the arms of the Divine more than once. This moment surpassed them all because I was able to see myself through my own eyes of Love, not just through the eyes of others or the eyes of the Divine. In that moment fear no longer held me hostage. I felt no separation from Love. I could be the dark and the light and it was enough. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;">No matter what obstacles came up in my everyday life I didn't miss a beat or a day for the next 40 days. That 40 day sadhana then morphed into 90 days and it really changed my life profoundly, forever. Since then, I've been patiently waiting for the next kundalini yoga sadhana to be revealed. I tried a few on here and there but they didn't stick. I've learned I don't go looking for a sadhana just like I don't go looking for my destiny - I trust and know the sadhana will find me as long as I keep my heart open to it just like I trust my destiny will. And so it did, quite magically, and I couldn't be more excited and elated!</span></span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;">It's been a particularly challenging spring and start to the summer for me with a shoulder injury (for no apparent reason), getting very sick for an extended time from a toxic overexposure to mold (something I am highly allergic to), and other areas of stress in life needing all my focus, energy and attention. My yoga became more internal than ever while I allowed my physical body to rest, regenerate and heal as much as possible. Last night I was able to attend my regular weekly/Monday kundalini yoga class for the first time in 3 months. Even as I was acutely aware of how my body had contracted and lost some of its flexibility over those 3 months it was like coming home again! I was amazed and in awe of how quickly my body remembered the warm-ups and responded to the mudras and movements, especially when I used my breath to breathe into the discomfort or restrictions to release the tension and let go. It felt almost effortless. How could that be?!! It's supposed to be so much harder when we've been away from it for an extended time! My shoulder was strong and flexible with an easy, graceful and fluid range of motion once more (thanks to the healing magic of acupuncture tacks and a few other non-traditional healing approaches) even though it let me know it still has a catch or two left to clear. All in good time. I've learned to bless and honor the limitations of my body as much as I celebrate its ability to push and move past obstacles. The kriya we did worked with the navel, the hips and shoulders and I felt the pulse and wave of the energy at my navel at the end of that kriya in the relaxation phase more powerfully than I remember feeling in a really long time. What a surprise and joy all of this was for me!<br /><br />I am in awe of the body's ability to heal itself and move beyond its limitations when we honor the limitations without judgment, anxiety and fear and give it the time, nourishment, care, attention and love it needs to heal. What an incredible messenger our bodies are! I am in awe of how the mind can be re-trained with practice and discipline. I am in awe of how our inner Spirit and Divine Self and Source guides us to whatever is our destiny in our highest and most divine timing when we surrender and trust the flow and choose to be a co-creator with Source rather than trying to force our way through life with agendas that are egocentric and fear-based. </span></span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline;"><span style="color: #37404e; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;">Ever since I read this story a few weeks ago about the 2nd Sutra meditation <i>Jaap Sahib</i></span></span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;"><span style="font-size: 13.63636302947998px;"> <a href="http://www.3ho.org/3ho-lifestyle/5-sutras-aquarian-age/2nd-sutra-there-way-through-every-block/2nd-sutra-mantra">http://www.3ho.org/3ho-lifestyle/5-sutras-aquarian-age/2nd-sutra-there-way-through-every-block/2nd-sutra-mantra</a> I've felt a strong draw to make this meditation my next 40 day (or longer) sadhana. So much so that I've kept it open in a browser on my computer since then as a reminder...yet not so</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-size: 13.63636302947998px;"> much so that I felt the call to really "begin". Until last night! Ahhh! The magic of synchronicity and divine timing! Much to my surprise and delight we ended our class with this meditation and now I know it's time and I'm ready! I plan to keep it simple and start with 5 minutes once a day and go and grow from there as my body and spirit guides me. </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">This 2nd sutra meditation is said to be one that removes fear and obstacles and brings us closer to our destiny. I Am Nirbhao Kaur ~ "fearless princess/lioness of God". I understand that the fear is mine and I am my only obstacle and so I am ready to begin and to embrace this sutra mantra for the next 40 days. I am ready to continue on the path to further embrace my destiny.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-size: 13.63636302947998px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-size: 13.63636302947998px;">I am so grateful to Sat Inder Kaur Khalsa for being my most beloved teacher and for being my Divine messenger to bring my next sadhana to me so auspiciously. I so appreciate her ever constant heart and spirit, love and guidance. _/|\_ <i class="_4-k1 img sp_VVBv6Z0C_XM sx_b14e1e" style="background-image: url(https://fbstatic-a.akamaihd.net/rsrc.php/v2/yY/r/m-UmZbIjoR1.png); background-position: -72px -936px; background-repeat: no-repeat; background-size: 314px 974px; display: inline-block; height: 16px; vertical-align: -3px; width: 16px;"></i> </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;">By the way...I'm just going to put this out there...If this meditation calls to You and Your divine timing is Now, please feel free to join me on this 40 day sadhana journey to move through obstacles and embrace your destiny! Whether near or far we can connect here, in a google circle, and in the ethers! It's so much fun to share the journey together! We can inspire each other to keep up!</span></span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;"><br />Wahe Guru! Sat Nam! <i class="_4-k1 img sp_VVBv6Z0C_XM sx_b14e1e" style="background-image: url(https://fbstatic-a.akamaihd.net/rsrc.php/v2/yY/r/m-UmZbIjoR1.png); background-position: -72px -936px; background-repeat: no-repeat; background-size: 314px 974px; display: inline-block; height: 16px; vertical-align: -3px; width: 16px;"></i> Nirbhao Kaur</span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 20px;">#kundaliniyoga #destiny #heart #fearlessness #love #yoga #mudras #meditation #mantras </span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05946056713905428497noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7848167152677731015.post-77382642994299300242014-03-02T10:04:00.000-08:002014-03-03T21:41:20.799-08:00The Heart of Appreciation ~ A Divinely Orchestrated Dance of Duality<div style="text-align: center;">
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On February 28th I completed a 30 Day Appreciation Challenge on Facebook. This was a wonderful practice for me that came at a very significant and auspicious time..."divinely orchestrated", as I am fond of saying. This is the second time I've done a 30 day practice of Appreciation. The first one was focused 100% on appreciating MYSELF at the end of the day and no one else. Now there's a challenge for you! This time I had the width and breadth of all of life's people, places, things and experiences to appreciate. I found both of these processes to be powerful, life-enhancing and life-changing. I became aware of how easy it is to take appreciation for granted. I found myself pondering the difference between appreciation and gratitude. Even though I missed a few days here and there for putting my appreciation into written form on the Facebook group page, I found myself in a heightened state of awareness and mindfulness about appreciation. I never missed a day of appreciating someone or something very consciously, sometimes many times over in a day, expressing it internally in my own mind/thoughts and/or sharing it in the moment with another depending upon the kind of appreciation I found myself experiencing. Likewise, I had a heightened awareness of the times I felt distanced, alienated or separate from a state of appreciation. In those moments I knew all I needed to do was LOOK for it...change my perspective...change my mind...someone or something is always there to appreciate. If nothing else, I am always there to be appreciated. Right? Right.<br />
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I smiled at the irony of the timing of this practice of appreciation and communication coming during an intense Mercury retrograde when I either have diarrhea of the mouth or the cat can often get my chatty Virgo-Mercurial tongue and leave me tongue tied or stumbling over my words and thoughts creating misunderstandings and heartbreaks rather than more understanding and heartfelt connection.<br />
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More divine timing and orchestration was afoot often leaving me in awe and wonder as I spent half of this month away from home, in upstate New York in the Catskills where I've never been before, immersed in a totally new healing adventure with very close family and holding space for that healing journey. I felt almost sequestered and we ended up snowbound by a nor'easter which gave us all 5 more days to deepen into whatever the healing adventure was gifting each of us. It was a deep, powerful, fertile time of reflection, rebirth, transformation, new growth and awarenesses for me on many levels of life. My commitment to keeping my mind focused on appreciation was a critical moment of choice every day and key for strengthening me to hold sacred space for healing, to see the glass half-full in every way, and to be open to receiving the grace, peace, trust, faith, hope, serenity and a renewed sense of inner well being that I experienced there and brought home with me. Appreciation kept my heart open. Yes. That's what appreciation does. That's what commitment does. That's what the heart does. It changes us. Forever. For the better.<br />
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Although this time was not a recitation of a single prayer or mantra and it wasn't a minimum of 40 days as we practice sadhana in kundalini yoga, this became my sacred 30 day Sadhana of Appreciation and I am forever enriched and changed because of it. I have made a personal commitment to continue this practice of appreciation for 40 days, 90 days, 180 days...and on and on and on...<br />
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My deepest appreciation goes to Linda Coussens whose creative inspiration and commitment to facilitate and hold the space for this sadhana of appreciation was my invitation and inspiration to say yes to the journey. I am forever grateful.<br />
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The excerpt that I'm choosing to share below pretty much puts it all into perspective for me. Like everything else in life, it's a dance with duality...bridging heaven and earth. Simple, yes. Easy, no.<br />
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<i><b><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;">Excerpt from my 30 Day Appreciation Challenge ~ </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px; white-space: pre-wrap;">February 22, 2014 ~ </span></b></i><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i><b><br /></b></i></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i><b>I appreciate the ebb and flow of expression, communication, energy, perspectives, connection, and creativity. I appreciate the fluctuations I feel and observe in my own state of mindfulness, emotions, or well-being as a result of this natural ebb and flow of life. I learn so much from the differences in this continuum of everyday life and living.</b></i></span><br />
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<i style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>I appreciate the emptiness and the fullness. I appreciate the quiet and the noise. I appreciate the connection and the solitude. I appreciate the uncertainty and predictability. I appreciate the chaos and the creation that comes out of chaos. I appreciate tenderness and strength. I appreciate the knowing and the not knowing, the fog and the clarity. I appreciate wisdom and folly. I appreciate the space between all duality where the divine expression is created, birthed, and made visible.</b></i><br />
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<i style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>I appreciate experiencing when I am without words to share or express my appreciation, sometimes for days, and yet so aware and present now to an ongoing experience and awareness of appreciation very deep within me. I appreciate when the words are there and they flow effortlessly. Because of this I am learning to trust the power of silence as well as shared expressions, deepen my discernment in the dance of communication and connection between self and others, and learning to trust myself, trust life, and trust Creator more.</b></i><br />
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<i style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>I appreciate being reminded and experiencing that the most important connection and communication is the one between myself and Creator and that all appreciation arises from that space which rests in the heart.</b></i></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05946056713905428497noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7848167152677731015.post-31435524824698604122013-10-11T13:31:00.002-07:002013-10-11T13:31:55.922-07:00Coffee, Bedhead and the Beetle<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'm sitting here this morning with coffee and bed~head and my inner critic...a little writer's remorse still lingering from the blog's birthing this week...over-thinking everything. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px; white-space: pre-wrap;">What goes up must come down, as they say. Birthing my blog on Tuesday took me up, up, up to the heights of joy, celebration, and freedom. I was so lifted and elated I couldn't fall asleep until 4 am that night. Although a serious night owl by nature, since getting sick with lyme disease 4 yrs ago, sleep deprivation is a dangerous slippery slope for me now. No luxury to sleep in late Wednesday morning so by the time I published my second blog post about the cricket's song on Wednesday afternoon, I was very overtired feeling quite vulnerable and physically unwell. Already acutely aware I was on the cusp of a lyme flare, I started going down physically, mentally and emotionally, slowly but steadily, struggling to sustain a sense of joy while attempting to successfully silence the inner critic's "writer's remorse". It's very hard to keep a good attitude in the midst of a very tired, aching, inflamed, congested physical body and brain fog. I can't help but wonder which comes first - the physical crash and then the mental, emotional and spiritual crash or the mental, emotional, spiritual crash and then the physical. And then I hear the cricket's Sunday song of heaven and earth in my innermost self and I'm reminded again that there is really no separation between spirit and matter, so I can just give up trying to figure out which comes first. Pick one or the other as my starting point, open my heart, and change will come. All I can do is work with where I Am right now and that means putting myself first and taking care of me. Sometimes that feels really selfish but I'm learning the hard way that I don't have anything left to give to anyone or anywhere else in my life if I don't give to myself first.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, I made a commitment to thursday as my self-care, healing and "me" day and scheduled a massage and a NAET treatment (</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15.453125px; white-space: pre-wrap;">an energetic allergy elimination/desensitization treatment process). </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I had an amazing massage that supported me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, with the healing physical touch as well as powerful energetic and shamanic clearings and messages and totems coming through both my masseuse and my own inner connections with spirit. I noticed how much I'd been unconsciously holding my breath. There was no space to take in any breath. So much constriction and pain in my body. So much purging and detoxing is moving through at the physical levels as I move through all these layers of fear and a lifetime of disowning my authentic power.</span><br />
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A few hours after massage I went for a NAET treatment. Just as Dr. Dorothy was about to begin my treatment she noticed a</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> dead but incredibly beautiful neon green beetle sitting on top of her notepad. She brought it immediately over to show it to me and said she had no idea what this was or where this had come from; that it wasn't there before my session. I gasped and said "it's a beetle!" and I felt my heart leap for joy! The scarab/beetle is a deeply sacred personal totem for me. I told her this was a powerful sign for me and of course I brought it home with me to place on my mesa/medicine altar. Having never seen a green beetle before, I googled it and found out it's a June bug beetle! Of course I took a picture of it so I can share it with you here.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I can't believe I had another insect show up yesterday in the strangest way as a messenger for my journey through clearing the clutter and putting myself "out there", free of fear, judgment and shame. Well, I guess I can, because it's me! </span><span class="emoticon emoticon_tongue" style="background-color: white; background-image: url(https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/rsrc.php/v2/yQ/r/zazNn_L1jRw.png); background-position: 0px -715px; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; background-size: auto; color: #333333; display: inline-block; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; height: 16px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px; vertical-align: top; white-space: pre-wrap; width: 16px;" title=":P"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I'm strange and shamanic in that way! A beautiful green June bug beetle...dead but perfectly preserved and so beautiful...showed up just for me...</span><br />
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What does the scarab/beetle mean to me and what is it's message for me right now, in this very moment? </span><br />
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Scarab/Beetle came to me as a personal guide and totem many years ago through the Egyptian Kemetic tradition as Khepra. S</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px; white-space: pre-wrap;">carab represents transformation and change. Divine timing. Death and rebirth. Beetles roll the dung of the earth up and transform it into something useful and very sacred. Scarab is very protective and very grounding. Its belly lies on the earth and yet it also has wings with which to fly. The egyptian scarab has wings that are symbolic of Isis - the Great Mother of the Egyptian Kemetic tradition. So this makes it especially sacred to me because of my intense desire, commitment and soul destiny/life lesson to do my very best to embrace the Great Mother and be a "good Mother" in this lifetime. There is so much symbolism with the beetle - too much for even this loquacious MamaBird to share! </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15.453125px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15.453125px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Plain and simple for me, this beautiful June bug beetle reminds me of who I am at my core. It's here to help me see the sacred in all things and in all experiences. It's here to help move me through transformation and change, to ground and protect me as I take the shit of life and all its clutter and turn it into something useful and sacred. It also symbolizes "MamaBird" - the mother that I am striving to be in this lifetime to myself and to my own children and even for the world collectively in my own small individual way. Like the cricket, it's here to help me sing my heart's song and share it with the world.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15.453125px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15.453125px; white-space: pre-wrap;">So far I seem to mostly be clearing the mental and emotional clutter and I'm still struggling to make much progress on the physical/material plane. But one thing is for certain, the sacred messengers are here when needed or called upon, reminding me that everything is interconnected and every change I make matters. I am</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15.453125px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> clearing the clutter in my life. One thought. One breath. One day at a time.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Halfway through my NAET treatment, wearing the purple color therapy glasses that reconnects me with Source and Spirit, I felt the pain leaving my body. I could inhale and breathe deeply again. I felt renewed again. I felt a new lightness of being entering into my mind and lifting me once more into a space of hope and possibilities for a brighter, clearer, cleaner, and yes, even pain-free, clutter-free life. What is dead can be resurrected into a new beginning. There is no beginning. There is no ending. There's only now.</span><br />
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What a world. What a journey. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15.453125px; white-space: pre-wrap;">What a blessing. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 15.454545021057129px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05946056713905428497noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7848167152677731015.post-41190639223472247172013-10-09T09:11:00.002-07:002013-11-22T12:46:46.586-08:00Cricket & the Clutter - An Unsung Song <div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Itās Sunday morning and a cricket is chirping very loudly and non-stop somewhere in this house. It literally sounds like it's right next to me. I find the incessant chirping quite annoying and figure there must be something I need to embrace about "cricket medicine" as taught in indigenous traditions, so of course I looked it up. Everything I read basically says cricket heralds āheightened intuition, sensitivity, awareness and balance of actionā. Balance of action definitely fits the bill here but I sure don't feel like I need my intuition, sensitivity and awareness heightened! lol Frankly, as far as Iām concerned Iām feeling way too much of that these days! I need grounding, focus and a burst of the "old me" energy so I can show up, feet to the fire, and move through the mundane responsibilities and tasks of life while courageously facing the chaos, fear, resistance, procrastination, confusion, clutter, and overwhelm I can so often feel when meeting life right where it is from wherever I am. This is particularly true right now with de-cluttering my home but in truth those have been the "old me" lifelong patterns on many levels. So this is an all-too familiar energy and feeling. Iām mindful and grateful that Iāve learned to navigate new ways of showing up more authentically and consciously in a lot of areas of my life but the one area that remains my greatest challenge is the physical clutter. And thatās my focus today. Well, truthfully, itās my focus every day these days. It's become a monster that never goes away and it gets in my way. And now I find I'm at a 'clutter crossroads'. Panic and overwhelm ensues and seems to always trump all the cards I play. I want to do anything and everything BUT clear the clutter and Iām very good at distracting myself to avoid what I donāt want to do. Today I find the cricketās chirp is distracting me and I am compelled to write about it. I don't yet know what it has to say to me; I just know it feels important </span><span style="line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">and I know that writing about it will help me uncover it.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I used to be able to face this sort of resistance and challenge in life with more energy and confidence even though procrastination has been a lifelong albatross. It used to be that once I started a project there was no stopping me. I could easily imagine and envision the end result and holding on to that vision inspired me and kept me going, no matter what. Now the vision of a clutter free home feels unreachable and impossible. T</span><span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">here's t</span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">oo many years to catch up on and present time seems to be moving faster and faster. I either canāt get started at all or once I do start I struggle to stay with it. I lose my momentum quickly as I get stuck all over again in the midst of it. </span><span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I used to keep an immaculate and well organized house. </span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I used to truly find pleasure in the maintenance of it and the ādoingā and somehow that escapes me now. All I feel is the heavy burden of it. It takes so much energy now to just stay with it and if/when I do stick with it seemingly there's so little to show for my efforts in the end. Itās so much bigger than me. I just give up, leaving more </span><span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">unfinished and more </span><span style="line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">chaos in its wake than when I started.</span></span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I didnāt used to āgive upā so easily either. In fact, the "old me" </span><span style="font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">refused </span><span style="line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">to give up to the extent that I fully sacrificed myself over and over and over just to "keep up". But life has taught me a lot, even if itās been the hard way, and that "old me energy" and old way of </span><span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"get āer done, all or nothing, gun-to-the-head, do or dieā</span><span style="line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> is pretty much long gone now, or at least when it comes to navigating through this dense and physical layer of the material āstuffā of life. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The burden of clutter and disorder has been with me for so long (and itās so contrary to my truest nature) itās now starting to feel like a real life gun to the head, do or die place. I donāt want to continue to live my life moving forward from that kind of fear-based energy. I want to discover, embrace and embody a new way of taking action from all levels of my being. </span><span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I want to believe it's possible and that I can do it. </span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No more throwing myself into the fire and pushing until I burn out. Believe me, Iām willing to die to the old again and again. I understand how that has to be done in order for real growth to occur and for the new to birth. From my birds-eye view l</span><span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">ife is a continual metaphorical, mystical, psychospiritual and shamanic cycle of death and rebirth. </span><span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Iām not willing to give up on the future by staying stuck in the past. </span><span style="line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Iām willing to surrender and let go of what no longer serves me and die a new death in the spiral evolution of death and rebirth. My inner warrior knows when itās time to surrender and shows me that in that surrender lies as great a triumph as any victory to guide me through.</span></span><br />
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<span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So why am I still stuck? What am I holding on to? What is "my new way" through this very dense, mundane obstacle and challenge now? Sighs. I already know what I need "to do" and that knowing often becomes another set-up for failure as the answers are often lost or silenced by the harsh critical voices in my head and the dark, shadowy energies of the past. Silenced by the part of me that doesnāt want me to hear the truth that I am capable and worthy of moving forward and leaving this past behind me. I'm struck with the awareness that the past is exactly what Iām trying to clear here and the past lives inside all that material stuff, sharing time and space with all those old thoughts, beliefs, and energies that itās "too hard, too limiting and I canāt see my way out, blah blah blahā that keep me from successfully clearing the clutter! What a catch 22! Where do I begin? What do I clear first? The mental or the physical clutter? </span><span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">They are inseparable. </span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">They are a perfect reflection of each other and t</span><span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">hey are fully enmeshed and e</span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">ach one hooks the other back in! Damn. It's no wonder the clutter holds so much power over me...t</span><span style="line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">hose āOld beliefs, Old ways, Old patternsāā¦</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*Life is hard. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*Life is limiting. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*I have to work hard and suffer in order to be rewarded and grow. No pain, no gain, right?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*I have to do it alone.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*I let myself down.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*If I start, I will fail.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*I will fail anyway.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*It will never be good enough.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*I am not good enough.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ok. Winding my way back to the cricket's chirp now. How does the heightened, intuitive, sensitive medicine of the cricket help me find my way through all these old negative beliefs and patterns in a practical, grounded kind of way? When I asked that question I was amazed to hear the answer. I was quickly guided to listen to "God's Cricket Chorus". Please have a listen at the link below. </span><span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">It's really beautiful and quite amazing! </span><span style="line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Even if you've heard it before, listen again. We all need to remember and hear this hidden unsong song of the cricket... </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>"This unique piece is not a synthesizer or a choir singing, but the song of the crickets themselves. Jim Wilson has created this unique effect by slowing down the original cricket song to match and mirror the lifespan of the average human being. The result is a work that induces an atmostphere of peace, serenity and healing, all courtesy of Mother Nature" </i></span><br />
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGpCtK1KHwI"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGpCtK1KHwI</span></a></div>
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<span style="line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">And now I understand the message and the medicine of the cricketās song for me today.</span></span><br />
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<span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The cricket's annoying chirp to my human ears today is like the clutter in my house and in my life. It annoys, agitates and distracts me. I am powerless over it so all I want to do is either run away from it or destroy it because I know I canāt silence it. When I try to face the clutter from the mental, emotional and physical levels of being only, I disconnect myself from spirit. </span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Like the heavenly āGodās Cricket Choirā that sings so magically through the cricketās ordinary chirp when itās slowed down to match the vibration at the human level reveals that thereās a power in the hidden song and higher vibration of Creator & Spirit to merge heaven and earth/spirit and matter, and create beauty, peace and a whole new song, so there is a power for me in the higher vibration of my connection with Creator, God/Goddess, Source and Spirit thatās already there for me, singing to me, calling me, waiting to be claimed, sung and infused into my world as the "new me" showing me "the way" through the mundane, through the clutter, and home to my heart's song. Itās the paradoxical, hidden, unsung music of heaven and earth. It's the paradox of being both a human being and a spiritual being. Itās the merging of the two dualities that becomes a beautiful new song that opens up the space for a whole new expression of beauty to be created. Yes. </span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The "new way" that awaits me is my personal āunsung songā that also refuses to be silenced and lies hidden in the messiness of life and in the clutter. It's already there, ready to be released and revealed </span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>as I clear the clutter</i></span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Now that's inspiring! </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">So whatās my new way through? āNew beliefs. New ways. New patternsā (that really donāt feel so new after all...theyāve been around for quite a while now ~ I just forget sometimes)</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*Practice. Practice. Practice.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*Commitment ~ to myself first and foremost.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*Let go of āall or nothingā beliefs</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*Less can be more - not just in the "stuff" but also in the outcome. It's unrealistic and out of balance to try to get it all done in one fell swoop anymore. A de-cluttered corner has as much value as an entire de-cluttered room. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*Leap and trust the process.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*Start from right where I am.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*Accept my resistance and limitations as a teacher and guide rather than perceiving them as an immediate failure.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*Donāt wait for the fear, resistance or overwhelm to go away. Feel it. Name it. Embrace it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*Do what I can today. One day at a time. </span><span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Just Do It. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*Appreciate and value all my efforts, no matter how big or small. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">*Balance the work with play. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*Be kind to myself. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*Ask for help along the way, both in Human and Spirit form. I can't do it alone. It's all so much bigger than me.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*Practice. Practice. Practice.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There is still a whisper of my ego and inner critic thatās trying to tell me Iām a failure from the get-go because I know I'm really the only one getting in my way here and I haven't been very successful yet, so why even try. But today I know better. On Sunday, I literally heard the crickets chirping everywhere I went - indoors and outdoors. Today the cricketās song is singing louder than that nasty criticās voice and is helping me remember. Iām really not a failure. Iām just very human and Iām figuring it out as I go. Someday I'll be singing my unsung song. In the meantime, I will listen to God's Cricket Choir before I begin any clutter clearing and during it whenever I get stuck to remind me that the density of all that I'm clearing is already lifted to a new vibration and so I am also lifted, just for the asking. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>"Cricket will attune to new vibrations and will aid in heightening intuition, sensitivity and awareness. Crickets can teach effective communication techniques and subconsciousness communication cues to obtain what is needed or wanted. Crickets are about resurrection and transformation from stages as in the molting process. Is it time to shed old ideas to make way for the new? Expect changes and new developments that will bring growth through reflection and patience as the sensitivity to mental, emotional and physical challenges are coming your way. Are you singing your song to be heard at this time? Is it time to rest in contemplation or jump toward your intended target whether it be at work, in relationships, or personal goal and dream? Cricket will help in finding the right balance of action using intuition and subtle awareness." </i>~ Animal Totems, Dictionary of Insects by StarStuffs </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05946056713905428497noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7848167152677731015.post-48147491107182141172013-10-08T12:45:00.001-07:002013-10-08T12:56:44.679-07:00"Just As I Am" <span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">There's a definite bite & chill in the air - fall is arriving - and with it comes some panic and urgency rising in my belly. I've been feeling the wolf at the door for some time now. Time is running out for me to prepare properly for winter's hibernation and loss of energy and light that I typically experience with wintertime. It's time to clear the clutter. I mean <b><i>really</i></b> clear the clutter. Lately I find myself swinging like a pendulum between inspiration and despair, starting and stopping, </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">fumbling and stumbling in the dark of it all, searching endlessly for a new balance in the tension of the extremes, longing for a new pathway to get there...wherever "there" is that I'm trying to get to. </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">This past weekend, in spite of my best intentions, I hit that wall of overwhelm and resistance and all I could do was </span><i style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">be present with it. </i><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I couldn't move. So </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I surrendered my agendas and gave myself permission to <i>be right where I was: stuck in the muck, again</i><i>.</i> Instead of finding peace and trust in the surrender, I began to feel that all too familiar judgment, hopelessness, despair, and sense of failure. And then something magical began to unfold. Mother Nature found its way into my consciousness through a cricket's chirping and soon I found myself fully immersed in writing about the cricket...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">But before I go there I want to share a little bit about me and why I'm writing this blog.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I've never kept journals consistently and I've never fancied myself a "writer" but I've wanted so much to write a blog for a really long time. It never felt safe to me. Deep seated fears of being exposed and seen for who I really am publicly or exposing others in some way and being judged for what I might say, saying too much and taking up too much time, or somehow hurting someone's feelings with my words combined with deeply entrenched woundings and patterns of low self-worth, perfectionism and people-pleasing held me back. These fears didn't just hold me back when it came to writing - these have been core fears that have held me back in all areas of my life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Anyone who knows me very well knows I am rarely a woman of few words! For me, life is such an incredible adventure and filled with so much wonder and mystery so I always have a lot to say and many stories to tell! And, for me this has been both a blessing and a curse. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">The blessing is that putting my thoughts and feelings into words, either in writing or in conversation, always makes sense of all the inner and outer confusion and clutter, frees my mind, and opens up a space for me to find my way back to my center. Having someone to share this with deepens my sense of connection and belonging in a world where I have never really felt I belonged or fit into. Talking about it or writing about it helps me put the pieces of the puzzle of life together. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">The curse has been that I have felt a tremendous amount of fear and shame all my life and this carried over into speaking out in groups or being in the public eye in any way. </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Most people find this hard to believe since on the outside I'm very outgoing and I connect easily with people. It's true, by nature, I really am a people-person and I thrive on connection, but I was going at it from the wrong direction. I was just trying to fit in and taking on all the responsibility in my relationships for having or sustaining a connection. That meant fitting me, my words, my creative expression and my life into a container that suited everyone else's comfort level. It worked for a while in its own dysfunctional way but of course it wasn't working in the long run. I was dying a slow and painful death inside and my outside world began to crumble. I desperately needed to find my authentic Self, make authentic and safe connections, experience feeling received, heard and understood just as I am, and find an outlet for my own unique creative expression and self-identity. That slow and painful death finally took me to the doorway of my soul's destiny and calling to "come out" of hiding and meet my Self for the very first time. All of me. The good and the bad. The dark and the light. Face my fears. Heal and release the shame. Acknowledge my gifts and talents. Know that I'm worthy of being received and loved by just being Me. L</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">et those who can love and truly accept me for exactly who I am, wherever I am, come into my life (or for those who were already there and willing, to stay) and let that love be enough. To understand that I don't need to be received and loved by everyone in order to be good enough. In fact, it's impossible. <i>I will be rejected.</i> </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">To not only take myself "off the hook" for any perceived imperfections and failures but also take others in my life "off the hook". No one is responsible for my happiness, freedom, creativity, and connection but me. </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I need to stop rejecting mySelf and love, receive and connect with mySelf, just as I am. Oh my, that's a tall order and a life-long lesson. </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I continue to come face to face with those doorways of fear, judgment, and rejection again and again in the spiral loop of life - and writing this blog is one of those doors I'm finally ready to walk through. No one is more surprised than me to find me here today!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Over the years I have found myself mysteriously drawn more and more to writing - an almost insatiable longing to write - yet not knowing why or what to do with it. What am I "supposed" to write about? What do I have to say that someone else hasn't already said? Who wants to listen to what I have to say? I know the "right" answers to all of those questions and yet they continued to stand in the way and hold me hostage. I once mentioned my longing, angst and confusion about writing to a close and well-meaning friend (who I hold in some esteem as a writer), expecting to get some guidance, encouragement and inspiration. I shared that I wanted to write about my everyday life - about all the thoughts and images that go through my mind on a daily basis and experiences I have that become metaphors for me for living an ordinary life in an extraordinary way. He laughed at me and said, "Who wants to read about you and your life?!?" Yes. I believe he was serious and I took it very seriously. He was a perfect reflection of my own inner critic and I took that to heart for a long time. On the flip side, I've had quite a few people close to me who believe in me really encourage me to take the leap. No surprise, it hasn't been as easy for me to take that to heart.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I've been afraid that writing a blog would become a new distraction for me - that it will take up too much of my time and I will use it as a way to avoid other responsibilities in life that are boring. Well, if I really want to be distracted from my responsibilities I'll find something somewhere to distract me and the truth is </span><i style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">not writing </i><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">has become a distraction for me. When my mind is filled with words and thoughts I have to get it out or it gets in my way. And I find ways to write anyway. </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have found myself sharing and/or writing </span><i style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">something very personal to someone, somewhere every day. </i><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">And when there was no one to talk to or write to, I wrote to myself. Everything went into a draft file called "musings for a blog" to <i>save for someday...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I've lived for <i>someday </i>far too long. I'm not getting any younger and time is running out. So today, I am officially opening my blog even though it was the last thing on my mind this past weekend. A</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">s I was more or less unraveling again, stuck in the muck, </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">it all began to unfold. I don't know how often I will write or what I will write about other than my innermost thoughts, feelings, and everyday life experiences when the ordinary becomes extraordinary and the extraordinary becomes ordinary. And maybe, like my friend said, no one will want to read about it. It may not have any meaning for anyone else. </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">And that's okay. I'm clear now that I'm really writing <i>publicly</i> for me. </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">It feels really good to have finally stepped through that huge wall of fear that's held me back from just taking the first step. Just like arriving here seemed to unfold in its own unexpected and divine timing, in spite of me, I trust whatever I'm meant to do with this blog from here on out, if anything at all, will also unfold divinely and take me by surprise again and again.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have crossed a threshold and this blog is and will be a "write of passage" <i>for me. </i>I have my husband to thank for helping me discover the metaphor there when I told him "this is a major rite of passage for me". This blog is an outlet for me to use my words to express the joy and pain, magic and wonder, and interconnectedness I see and experience around me in everyday life as a mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister, healer, singer, teacher, and a very ordinary woman living an extraordinary life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I invite you to join me and begin this journey with me with the <i>call of the cricket</i>...</span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05946056713905428497noreply@blogger.com0